By Lynna Clark

My friend Ann called with an idea. She knows how much I hurt. Apparently she is trying cherry yogurt and it is really helping with her aches and pains. I thought on it while she extolled the virtues. While she explained I went over the list of no-no’s. Through the years, like fifty plus, I’ve tried all the cures. Apple cider vinegar and honey made into a tasty drink three times a day. That one has come and gone throughout the years. In fact, one of our daughters, who’s identity shall not be revealed,  came out rather hairy. I couldn’t help but wonder…

I’ve tried extreme doses of pycnogenol, the extract of grape seeds. No deal. Long before gluten free became a thing, we tried that. Of course sugar was eliminated long enough to make me grumpy, but still in pain. We removed night-shades from our diet. That includes tomatoes, peppers, white potatoes, and eggplant. Okay, so the eggplant removal didn’t cause a lot of anguish. But tomatoes? I love lasagna, spaghetti, and meatloaf… with a side of mashed potatoes. So David, the cook in the house, bless his heart, tried to substitute beets for tomatoes. He made a thick hearty sauce with lots and lots of herbs out of canned beets. Not pickled. That would just be weird. It was pretty good… except our noodles turned pink. Instead of potatoes, he boiled radishes and tried to make them similar to new potatoes. With lots and lots of butter. And guess what. They tasted just like warm radishes. But we kept at it for months. I declare the man has tried everything. And I just keep on hurting. Heavy sigh.

You’re probably right. It’s obviously all the sin in my life. And a great deficiency of faith. Don’t laugh. It’s been suggested… and considered many, many times. Insert whiny voice here. So when my bestie suggested cherry yogurt, my ears perked up. This I could do. I’d have to make sure it doesn’t contain red dye, or artificial sweetener of any kind, and hope it included yogurt made from the milk of happy cows. Will I eat it or slather it on my body?

Then the word Y caught my ear. As-in YMCA. Apparently the woman is trying chair yoga. Dang.

All this time I thought we’d landed on the cure. Not something involving stretching… in a chair, like exercise. The closest thing to that I can get is when I do a fast waddle on the way to the bathroom. Of course that happens often enough to count as a workout. Not to mention the lowering of the posterior onto the… chair. AND unlike chair yoga, this is a 24/7 activity so there’s that. And all this time I thought the cure was out of my reach! Now I know that I just need to keep doing what I’m doing.

And maybe get my hearing checked.