By Lynna Clark
I take great pride in keeping my home neat. It’s not always clean, but it is tidy. There’s a bright tablecloth on our little kitchen table, with a fruit bowl or flowers. Dirty dishes are placed in the portable dishwasher as soon as they’re used. David and I are the only ones here and the house is so tiny that it only takes a minute to make it neat.
However, last Monday we finished a long day and crashed. The tablecloth was dirty so I tossed it on the floor toward the laundry room. The dishwasher was full and in front of the kitchen sink hooked up to run. David wasn’t feeling well so he grabbed an old sheet and quilt then hit the recliner sofa. The week before, he moved to a new office and had pulled books off our shelves, sorting stuff in piles on the floor. Our house was unusually trashed.
Books were not the only thing to hit the floor that night. About 2am, he got so violently ill that his blood pressure bottomed out. I found him passed out on the bathroom floor and had to call 911.
As I jerked on clothes, described his symptoms to the dispatcher, and prayed my sweetheart wouldn’t die, I ran to turn on the porch light and open the side door. Lickety-split my little upside down house was filled with firemen and paramedics who do not know what a respectable housekeeper I am. Wouldn’t you know it! The one time…
This is where the wise person would tell you that none of that matters now that I know David is okay.
While that is very true…
The next day I found myself cleaning the house top to bottom, rearranging the bookshelf, spreading out a clean table cloth, washing all the linens, disinfecting the floors, and thinking of a reason to invite the emergency guys back for a do-over.
Perhaps if I bake a cake to thank them for their great efficiency and kindness…
This time the 911 call would sound like this:
“911. What’s your emergency?”
“Oh… no emergency. Is the same crew working that worked Monday night?”
“Yes ma’am. Is this the lady with the messy house?”
“They TOLD you that?”
“Yes ma’am. They were appalled. Apparently there was a pink striped sheet on a red sofa. Sounds hideous!”
“Could you please send them back? I have cake!”
“No ma’am. They said if you ever called again to tell you they would not return to such a pigsty.”
“But… but I have cake.”
“No cake in the world would entice them back. They also told us about your bedhead. Said you looked like a woman in a bad wig wearing clothes with yesterday’s coffee stains.”
“Sigh… it’s true. It was bad. Sorry I called…um… have a good night.”
“You too ma’am… because they are not coming back.”
Mama always said to wear decent underpants in case there’s an emergency.
You know… they did not even check our underpants!
Thank the good Lord.
