By Rhonda Sassano
”I long to drink of you, O God, to drink deeply from the streams of pleasure found flowing from your presence. My longings overwhelm me for more of you! My soul thirsts, pants, and longs for You, the living God. I want to come and see Your face, oh God. Day and night my tears keep falling and my heart keeps crying for your help, while my doubts mock me over and over, saying, “Where is this God of yours? Why doesn’t he help you?” Nevertheless, I speak over my heartbroken soul, “Take courage. Remember when you used to be right out front leading the procession of praise to go into the presence of the Lord? You shouted with joy as the sound of passionate celebration filled the air and the joyous multitude of lovers honored the Lord!” So then, my soul, why are you depressed? Why do you sink into despair? Keep hoping and waiting on God, your Savior. For no matter what, I will still sing with praise, for You God are my saving grace! Here I am depressed and downcast. Yet I still remember You as I ponder the place where your glory streams down from the mighty mountaintops, lofty and majestic—the mountains of your awesome presence. My deep need calls out to the deep kindness of your love. Your waterfall of weeping sent waves of sorrow over my soul, carrying me away, cascading over me like a thundering cataract. All through the day Yahweh commands his endless love to pour over me. Through the night I hear his songs and sing my praises to the living God. I will say to God, “You are my mountain of strength; how does it seem as though you’ve forgotten me? Why must I suffer this vile oppression of fears and doubts and anxious thoughts— these heartless tormentors who are out to deceive me?” Their wounding words pierce my heart over and over while they say, “Where is this God of yours?” Nevertheless. I say to my soul, “Don’t be discouraged. Don’t be disturbed. For I know my God will break through for me.” Then I’ll have even more reasons to praise him all over again. Yes, he was, and is, and will always be my saving grace!“
Psalms 42:1-11 TPT
I wrote this out during the week preceding one of the toughest nights of my life. I had it prepped and ready to share as the ending prayer for the worship set on Sunday. But I couldn’t do it. Even alone in my closet, I couldn’t read it through without melting into tears. The tears were a mixture of anger, disappointment, sadness, and an extreme loss of joy. I jotted down a passage from Isaiah 41 as a safety net.
It was a great worship service. The Presence was strong, gentle and sweet. I continued to shield my heart as I agonized through the “safety net” passage, and the emotions continued as I found my seat in the congregation.
After service, an elder’s wife asked me if I was okay. I didn’t answer right away; as the pastor’s wife, I wanted my answer to be truthful… but measured. Too much vulnerability could prove disastrous. I indicated prayers were appreciated and moved on.
Fast forward the week to Saturday morning. I was really struggling with guilt of the many hours I felt I “should’ve been working” but missed for one reason or another, and every reason was legitimate but now felt frivolous. I was exhausted with trying to be grateful, ignore the depression, protect my heart and still be somewhat open to input from well-meaning others.
In a conversation with a very close friend, Psalm 23 came up, especially the verse “You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies.” As we shared our hearts about deeper meanings, my friend said “this table is about being content; finding satisfaction and even joy with what has already been provided.” Innocent enough, right? WRONG! I felt attacked and ashamed! Condemnation and conviction both pummeled my thoughts and intentions, my very spirit! Not wanting to lose my tenuous hold on my tears, I shut down and just listened as my friend went on with Paul’s declaration that whatsoever state he was in, he had learned to be content.
After we wrapped up our conversation, it seemed a shower would be a safe place to cry and scream. And it was. So I did. Finally, I gave up. I couldn’t come to any conclusion other than the fact that I am not in control, and that I cannot change a single thing about my situation. (My pastor would prefer me to say I “gave over.”) I found myself picturing an altar and a naked figure trying desperately to hide, to escape, to find some modicum of safety or comfort or cover. Realizing none of what was wanted or needed was present or available, the figure grew still. I whispered, “Jesus, I want nothing. I ask for nothing. I am content with now. These words aren’t even true, Lord, but how I want them to be true!” I was full-on sobbing now, and the wave of deep deep sadness pressed me into the tile.
My spirit began to intercede for me. Looking back, it was truly the Holy Spirit who used my own voice to utter my prayer language on my behalf. I’ve never prayed for myself like that before. I believe my spirit, by the prompting of the Holy Spirit, was praying for my mind and my soul, for my will to align with His will. For the courage to stay on the altar. To stay still on the altar. To let His work, excruciating though it may be, be completed in me.
When I could stand without support from the tile wall, I heard someone mumbling “I want nothing. I ask for nothing. I am content with now.” I wrote the acronym on my mirror, and put it in my phone as an alarm every hour.
It took three more days for me to get used to the idea of not wanting or asking for anything. I made a huge effort to inquire of the Lord everything… before every word spoken, every crumb eaten, every text written, every … everything. I was determined not to do ANYthing on my own. It was the only way I could think to stay on the altar. But it’s the beginning of the fifth day, and I can be transparent about my heart: I feel better. Less stressed. My emotions are more stable, I have a different (better?) perspective on my situation (which isn’t exactly earth-shattering, in any case.)
By choosing to let go of everything I thought I needed and everything I knew I wanted… it’s been an enormous relief, actually. If I don’t already have it, then when I need it, the Lord will give it to me. And if He doesn’t, then it’s for my good and maybe I don’t need it as much as I thought.
Could it be so simple, you ask? Well there was definitely nothing simple about arriving at this conclusion! It was an arduous, intensely painful journey. And I’m still struggling to just … be still. To stay on the altar. But my heart so wants to please Him! And if it takes an altar to do that. . . here I am.
Jeremiah 32:39-41 says,
(with my paraphrase,) ”I will give Rhonda one heart, and one way, so that for her good, she will fear Me always. I will make an everlasting covenant with Rhonda: I will never turn away from doing good to her, and I will put fear of Me in her heart so she will never again turn away from Me. I take delight in Rhonda, to do what is good for her, and with all My heart and mind I will faithfully plant her in this land.“
In Exodus 20, the Israelites are standing at the base of the mountain, physically trembling in awestruck fear of the God who was tangibly present in the swirling clouds, thunder and lightning. Moses tells them that the Lord wants to speak to them, but they were too afraid and backed away from the mountain, from the Holy Presence. And from that moment forward, they were stuck in a cycle of rebellion and repentance. If they had only stood still and heard His voice! They would have been instilled with a sense of holy awe, divine respect, and deep desire to please Him. Instead, they were simply unable to trust Him with anything, much less their hearts.
How about me? Oh, I’ve heard His voice! My heart wants to please Him more than I want to stay alive! My flesh, not always so much…
How about you? You can hear Him and find relief, too. Open the Word. Open your heart. His love is perpetual, never diminished, never doing anything other than what is for my best. (And yours!)
If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, discouragement, anger, or any other emotions, please connect with me. I am a certified mental health coach and have been successful using creative expression to facilitate better mental health. It would be my privilege to encourage you! Here’s my contact info
With joy,
Rhonda
“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”
