Rhonda Sassano

By Rhonda Sassano

A Long Time Coming

Yesterday, I was out for a walk with my baby granddaughter.  It was a beautiful day and we were traveling along the Greenway, a trail that runs alongside a shallow waterway that is marshy at points and occasionally deepens into a little brook that gurgles and splashes.  My thoughts turned to all the changes that are occurring in my life right now.  There’s a bunch!  And changes are challenging enough by themselves; add depression to the mix and ka-POW, we might have a situation!  But with a little startle, I realized I hadn’t felt ‘depressed’ in a couple weeks.  Had it really been that long, I wondered?  Maybe more like a few days in a row?  But no, as I thought back over the last 21 days, the truth was that I had NOT had any sense of desperation, any hopelessness, any thoughts of suicide.  Although I had wanted to give into the urge to ‘call someone’ and just cry a few times, those passed when I chose to focus on the Lord being all I needed, reminding myself, even propelling, my thoughts to His love and care for me. 

What had made the difference, I mused.  All my situations were the same or worse.  All the changes were still moving towards me at an alarming pace. I had no more answers than before.  There was only more … comfort, more strength.  More determination to “do it right this time.”  I asked the Holy Spirit to show me what was the hinge point, what started the turnaround.  A children’s song came to mind, “We’re following the leader.”  I started to sing it softly, and the words began to rewrite themselves in my heart.  Soon, it was this:  “I’m following the Shepherd, the Shepherd, the Shepherd.  I’m following the Shepherd, wherever He may lead.”  And the next verse went like this:  “When I don’t know what’s happening, what’s happening, what’s happening.  When I don’t know what’s happening, I will trust in Him.”  Now the tears started.  And a third verse came with a little struggle, “When I can’t see around the bend, around the bend, around the bend.  When I can’t see around the bend, His hand is holding me.”  And then my heart was straining to express all my gratefulness for His faithfulness!  I certainly hadn’t made it easy for Him to love me these last several months, and I’m positive He waited in vain for me so many times to just hand Him my heart!   (And the last verse I have forgotten, but it ended with “my trust in Him will be.”  Yes, more tears 😉

But the song, affirming though it was, didn’t answer my question.  I decided the answer would come in time, and it did. 

About two months ago, my therapist told me she couldn’t see me anymore.  Apparently, her company had made some changes and some clients were being … pushed out.  I had already been waiting for two weeks for an appointment when she notified me of the change.  I was NOT happy about this one bit!  But having zero choice and zero options, I turned to the Lord.  It was in a very desperate moment that a very big “hinge point” happened.  It was not realized at the time, but looking back, with the Holy Spirit’s nudge, I can see it now.  What was it?  I decided to lay on the altar and be still.  I put reminders in my phone, every waking hour, that read “IAFNIWFNIACWN”  What in the world???  (Sorry!  I love acronyms, and my phone is easily seen by everyone in my family, so… ;-D)

It stands for this “I ask for nothing I want for nothing I am content with now.”

The searing pain that gripped my heart every time those alarms went off!  But I diligently repeated the phrase over and over again. Not just at the reminders, but every time I wanted to buy something I couldn’t afford at the moment.  Every time I longed for my own house.  Every time I missed a friend I couldn’t go and visit.  Every time I wanted to spend more time with my daughter or my grandbaby.  Every time my wake-up alarm declared “Get ready for work” and every time I didn’t have opportunity to create or meditate or do any of the things that are helpful at keeping depression from taking over.  

After about 4 or 5 weeks of “IAFNIWFNIACWN,” at a new revelation, it became “IAGFNIWNEIACWN.”  “I am grateful for now, I want nothing else, I am content with now.”  I made it a point to stop and focus my heart on these words, a paraphrase of “in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” This phrase, in particular I think, propelled me forward onto a new platform of strength and joy.  I know for certain that the determination to keep doing it, to maintain the push, was not my own.  Just like the Holy Spirit overtook my own spirit in an extreme moment of deepest hopelessness, He had overtaken it consistently and gave me the wherewithal, if not the desire, to press into these prayers. 

Know what?  Prayer works.  Scripture works.  It took some time, and I didn’t even notice the change… but when I found seeds of truth, I planted them instead of throwing them out because they didn’t fit what I felt.  And listening to the Holy Spirit, I kept them watered and pulled the weeds and moved them out of the extreme heat, and basically put in the work.  Now, a mere handful of weeks later, I’m living a harvest of peace, joy, and strength I didn’t know were available to me.  AND I AM BEYOND GRATEFUL! 

No.  Joy and peace and strength do not fix everything.  Staying on the altar doesn’t either.  But there is an…  an unexpected fulfillment in complete surrender.  Hard to explain, but not hard to sense. 

So in the realization that depression wasn’t taking me over any longer, I cautiously looked around for it.  I saw it, over in the corner, kinda trying to hide.  A small blob of dirty goo.  As I stared at it, the blob started to inch a little closer.  I quickly looked away!  Glancing back, the blob had ceased to move.  Whew!  Ignoring it works!  But I knew I needed to think about it. 

I asked the Holy Spirit to help me figure out how to keep it small, to the side, NOT in control.  Not ever again.   Gratefulness came to mind.  Relationships.  I could see walls of plexiglass starting to surround the blob.  Creativity.  Meditation.  Those formed the other walls and now the blob was completely encased.  The plexiglass is not perfectly transparent, and the more layers I add, the less the transparency.  So I will be added more layers until the blob is completely concealed!  

Except for the top.  “What about the top?” I asked the Holy Spirit.  “No, no top,” He said.  “You can still reach in anytime.”  But Blob can’t get out without your help.”  Woah.  “You mean…” I started.  “Yup.  If you keep doing what you’re doing:  ignore it, declare gratefulness, pursue relationships, make time for creativity even in a small way, and spend time with Me, Blob will never have power over you again.”  Emotion started to rise, and then abruptly stopped when I acknowledged the weight of this responsibility.  “Is this healing?  I always thought healing came from You, Lord, not from me.”  And then I knew.  Not one good thing that is in me is from me.  Every good thing, and I mean EVERY good thing in me is from HIM.  And I receive it with joy and gratefulness.  Blob, you might always be a “thorn in the flesh,” but His grace is sufficient (to keep it a reminder and not a controlling factor,) to maintain my focus on Jesus, on Who He is, on who I am IN Him and because of Him.  I can be part of what He is doing in my life and in the lives of those around me by His strength and His empowerment.  I don’t live for me, for my desires, for my selfish victimness that wants pity and control.  (uh huh…the flesh lives on.)  But every day, Paul says, “I beat my body into submission…”  Staying on the altar is the only way to keep my flesh submitted to my spirit, which is in a divine, unexplainable, inextricable amalgamation with the Holy Spirit, which is the Spirit of Jesus Himself…  hallelujah!  With that combination, the only option for me is a win-win!  And it is for YOU, too! 

By Rhonda Sassano

Father, according to Luke 11, You will not withhold from us when we ask for the Holy Spirit. So Father, in Jesus Name, I ask You to give me the fullness of Your Holy Spirit.  I declare Song of Songs 7:2, “Out of my inmost being is flowing the fullness of Your Spirit—-never failing to satisfy.”  That’s my heart, Father, to be satisfied with Your Presence. To surrender myself completely.  To look to You for every need, every want, every choice, every word.  You promise that when I turn to You with my whole heart, You will be found. So, I take my eyes away from all that holds me back:  all the distress, all the disappointment, all the unfinished dreams, all the lingering hopes . . . I bury the promise in Who You Are. I tuck myself under the shadow and comfort of Your wings. I know You are faithful, and I trust Your work will be good, and it will make me more like You. Help me be still and listen to Your whispers of love… they can be so hard to hear when fear is so loud. Give me courage to simply ignore every other voice that steals my attention. Even now, today, this moment, You are speaking.  You are speaking life to my spirit, health to my body, truth to my mind.  I receive it.  I break up the soil of my heart to let your Words go down deep.  In Jesus name. 

“Clean hands, pure heart 

I bury the promise in Who You are

I tuck myself under the shadow and comfort of Your wing 

You are real and You reward 

I’m strong thru the power of the Word 

You are life and breath to me 

Your face is all I long to see”

This is a prayer I pray over myself, daily, when I remember.  It reminds me what’s important:

Who He is, who I am, What He’s doing.  Because nothing else really truly matters.  (Yeah, that’s oddly disturbing and yet, deeply comforting…) but very, very true.  That’s why when we ask according to His will, we know we have what we ask for.  

Lately, I’ve been praying a simple prayer:  “Help me want what You want, Lord.  Help me want Your will more than anything.”  That’s a prayer He can answer with delight! And I can take comfort that it’s not a “gimme gimme” prayer or one rooted in pride or any other fleshly emotion.  Because His goal is to increase His Presence in my life. And my goal is to let Him!  No matter what it takes.  No matter the rejection or heartache, no matter the changes or losses.  

I want more of Him.  He alone is worth it all. 

With joy,

Rhonda

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”

By Rhonda Sassano

Out of my innermost being is flowing the fullness of Your Holy Spirit—never failing to satisfy. Within my  womb there is a birthing of harvest wheat; they are the sons and daughters nurtured by the purity I impart. How gracious you are to me, how gracious have made me!  Song of Solomon 7:2

I pray, Jesus, that you would multiply this verse in my life.  That out of my innermost being your Holy Spirit will flow with such passion and peace that everyone I connect with knows instantly that You are closer than close.  That You are more real than they could’ve imagined. 

But life.  And work. And relationships.  Yes Jesus.  I give it all up quick before I change my mind… You have my eternal yes.  You are worth it. I feel like I still haven’t learned well how to stay engaged in my spirit with You and live out the day in front of me.  Help me to be aware, of You, and aware of how much You adore me!  increase my awareness of Your desire to BE with me.  Every step I take, every moment, You long for intimacy with me. And I am deeply, desperately unworthy.  Except for the blood of Jesus.   Thank you, Jesus, such a marvelous humbleness in You, that a beautiful perfect Prince would give his life for me, such a poor pauper.  I owe you everything.  I give you everything. I invite you into every situation, every circumstance.  Into every place in me that is ugly and selfish and worthy of death.  all of me belongs to all of You.  Do with me what you will; I accept it with joy.  I command my heart to be open to hear Your Word and I receive the deep transformation it brings.  You are worth every effort, every early morning, every prayer, every moment of worship.  

With joy,

Rhonda

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”

By Rhonda Sassano

Yup.  Still here.  Depression is a real booger. My phone calendar, every morning, reminds me that others are wondering if I’ll be different today, better, more engaged and less distant.  

I’m trying.  

I made myself a list this morning, hopefully from the Holy Spirit… and I thought I’d share it with you.  Perhaps you’ll find something helpful in your own journey.  

1. Make a list of things I’ve stopped doing.  Pick one to start doing again.  Add another tomorrow. Or next week. 
2. Express thankfulness for every little thing.  Count my blessings.  Increase gratitude, in my heart, if not in my words.  
3. Be obedient to the Holy Spirit, no matter what.  It’s the easiest way to be, literally, closer to Father. 
4. Take care of my self—- wash my hands, brush my teeth, put stuff away, take showers, use lotion, makeup, fragrances, etc. 
5. Engage in a creative activity that expresses my emotions.  Ask the Holy Spirit to help me acknowledge the feelings in ways that open the door for healing. 
6. Clean / organize / plant something.
7. Don’t give in to addictions; let the pain drive me to the Lord instead. 
8. Speak Scripture over myself.  Read them with my name in there.  Col 1:1-17, esp 17.  Ps 1:1-3
9. Eliminate sugar from my diet.  Yes, seriously.  Tell myself, “I hate sugar.  I hate what it does to me.  I detest sweet things because they actively worsen my health.  Sweet treats are a trick of the enemy to make my emotions feel better temporarily.”
10. Time for quiet reflection is vital to recovering healing.  Don’t fill it with music or worship but allow sadness / grief / disappointment / fear / anger to overtake me and bring it to the Father.  Use the honesty tool and write down what Father says. Reread it to myself for 7 consecutive days. 

Remember that brokenness is painful.  But necessary for the next step.  Healing is coming.  Do my part.  Wait on the Lord.  Be of good courage and He will strengthen my heart.  And yours. 

Love, 

Rhonda

If you are struggling with fear, anxiety, discouragement, disappointment, or depression, please reach me at sunnyshade13@gmail.com.  I am a certified mental health coach and would count it a privilege to walk with you in your journey to better mental health. 

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”

By Rhonda Sassano

”Oh Father, make yourself real to me like You promised me You would. Because of Your constant love and Your heart-melting kindness, come be my hero and deliver me! I’m so broken, needy and hurting. My heart is pierced through and I’m so wounded. I’m the example of failure and shame to all who see me. They just walk by me, shaking their heads, glad I’m the one suffering and not them.  It’s the internal voices in my own head that beat me mercilessly, that mock me and insist I’m unworthy and  unloved and unloveable.  How can I escape my own thoughts?  No matter where I hide, they find me, sneaking up out of the blue and stabbing me til blood pours out.   

You have to help me, O Lord God! Idols are everywhere, and it is so convenient to allow them to distract me from my pain…  but afterwards, nothing has changed.  My heart still hurts, my circumstances are just as overwhelming.  

I cannot live here.  

No.  No longer.  No more.  Not again.  

Savior!  My true hero, come to my rescue and save me, for You alone are loving and kind.  You truly care for me and want to know my deepest wounds and ugliest scars… You felt each injury.  But Your gaze is healing ointment that burns, but purifies.  Like fire that sears but cleanses. When Your breath blows over it, the ash dissipates and a new heart is revealed, soft and pliable, the hardness gone.  I will be so changed that everyone will know it is You that has won my victory, and they will all say to the Lord, “This is Your work, only You could do this!”

I will give my thanks to you over and over, and let everyone hear my lavish praises. 

For You stand right next to me, a broken one.  You are undeterred by my weakness, and unashamed to be my Champion.  You delight in my desire for You.  You are my saving hero and You rescue me from all my accusers, even from me.  

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“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”

By Rhonda Sassano

How to hear (really!) the voice of God

If you are like me, I struggle to recognize the voice of the Lord.  Especially when I’m hurting inside over … well, whatever the latest situation is.  Couple that with constantly battling depression, and I’m in a pickle just trying to pluck up courage to pray, much less hear what He’s really saying.  But.  I came across the “Honesty Tool” a couple of years ago.  All the kudos to Jonathon and Melissa Helser and the team at Cageless Birds (find them on FaceBook!)  for putting it together and making it available.  The Honesty Tool can be found in at least two of their Captivated workbooks, volumes 4 and 6.  But here it is in a nutshell:

Using the Honesty Tool

When you encounter a situation that brings up an intense reaction, either internally or externally (or both), STOP.  As soon as possible, find a quiet place and walk through these steps.

1. Grab something with which to write things down (pen and paper are best, but a tablet works too.)  Say, “Holy Spirit, I need your help.  What is really going on when that happens?” Then, write down the gist of the situation that created your angst. 
2. Include thoughts and feelings that you were experiencing because of  the situation.
3. Reflect.  Go back and read what you wrote down.  Underline any thoughts that are scripturally untrue.  
4. Say, “Holy Spirit, speak to me the truth.  What does Father say about these things?”

        5.  Write down what the Father says in the form of a letter from Him to you.  

            Start with “Dear Name,” and write it all down.  Don’t stop until He finishes.  Don’t worry,  you’ll know.  

Let me share a sample with you from my own experience.  I’ll try not to give TMI ;D

Holy Spirit, what is really going on here?  I feel detached.  From you.  I realize I’m disappointed about having to find another job, but this detached feeling started before that.  Losing a couple very important items for a week certainly didn’t help. Not finding them even after I prayed has been a let-down, too.  But I did find all three items eventually, so thank you for that.  My better half needs regular medical care right now, and it’s unknown how far into the future that will need to continue.  The expense alone is … more than I can think about without getting overwhelmed.  And despite my prayers for healing, the situation worsened…it’s hard to keep believing when that happens.  I don’t know what to do differently with diet and physical aspects to help the healing begin.  I do know ALL healing comes from You, so maybe I should just receive it as it comes and not fuss about the delivery or lack thereof…. Lack of success with my website is a blow, too, because I thought that would be a source of income and I wouldn’t need to keep looking for employment.  We experienced some unexpected rejection by friends and family members at a wedding we had traveled to attend.  Then, a very close friend didn’t appreciate my answer to an impertinent query.  Then they asked me, “How come worshipping doesn’t fix you?”  I was shocked and hurt at the lack of understanding. 

I am really struggling to process all the disappointment.  Are they all just paper tigers, meant to keep me from Your Presence? Out of the Holy of Holies?  To obscure the sight of Your throne?  Your face?  All together they do not seem momentary or light afflictions.  They feel heavy and burdensome and cumbersome. I try to lay them down, but another one always comes…

(Pause right here for a sec.  I should go back and underline some of the lies in the previous paragraphs, but I didn’t want to interrupt your reading.  Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the lies to you…)

Holy Spirit, please speak to me Your truth.  What does Father say about these things?

“My Precious Rhonda.  None of this is meant for your disappointment.  I am letting these things stir up stuff from the bottom so I can skim them off the top.  So the top water will be as clear and refreshing as what’s coming out of the dike.  I know you look at your life and see nothing but debris and swirling mud.  I receive your worship in the midst of the struggle.  It is a sacrifice that I admire and receive with such immense joy!  Don’t let go of the life preservers of my Word and your own worship!  Floods eventually recede.  Let Me get rid of the debris before it settles back into place.  Keep telling yourself the truth!  “Think on these things,” keep your focus on ME, on the eternal!  You are doing GREAT!  You continue to obey even with a small cheat here and there, but I truly don’t mind, if it helps you fast longer.  The idea of income from the website wasn’t in My plan.  It won’t meet the need.  And that is OK.  It’s My job to provide for you, not yours.  You just trust ME.  You keep worshipping.  

And btw, worshipping doesn’t “fix you.”  It changes your perspective of ME, not necessarily those in your life.  That’s not the purpose of worship.  The purpose of worship is to glorify Me, to make Me bigger in your life.  Don’t respond to the manipulative comments.  Don’t act in kind when the opportunity arises. Your friend belongs to Me.  I will get through to them in My own way, in My own time.  Keep reminding yourself of the good things.  All the good things.  Of the truth of My Word.  You’ve experienced it for yourself.  Call it to mind.  Still true, regardless of emotions.  I, even I am saying these things to you, my Beloved.  They are true and I love you intensely.  Remember the “word for the year” that I gave you:  “ALL OF IT”…. “All of it” is on the way, and already happening!  

Love, Abba”

I hope you can sense the Father’s heart towards me in His reply.  He doesn’t avoid the questions.  His answers are direct, poignant, and reasonable.  How do I know it’s the Father’s voice and not out of my own head?  That’s easy… I am not so kind to myself, or so encouraging.  I never refer to myself as “precious” or remind myself to refer to the Word or acknowledge that emotions are less important than the truth of Scripture.  All those things assure me that whenever I turn to Him with my whole heart, He is there.  He answers.  Even better and more incredulous, He WANTS to speak to me and He WANTS me to hear and recognize His voice.  

Now, you have a choice. The only question is, are you ready to hear His voice?  Sit down with pen and paper.  Think back to your last overreaction or intense response.  Follow the steps and see what happens.  I think you’ll like it!

With joy and renewed hope,

Rhonda 

P.S.  If you are struggling with anxiety, disappointment, fear, discouragement, or depression, please reach out to me.  There are several options on my bio page, but here’s the easiest way:  email me at sunnyshade13@gmail.com.  I’m a certified mental health coach who also struggles with some of the above, and I would be honored to help you on the journey to better mental health and even healing.  

By Rhonda Sassano

Note to Self

I just need to write some things down. If you don’t want to know any brutal honest truth about me other than what you already know,  don’t feel compelled to keep reading.  

A friend from my childhood came to visit me, and I loved her being here, but it raised some doubts about myself and who I am.  Maybe “doubts” isn’t the right word, but I realized a few things about myself simply because she came.

One of the things I realized is that I have based my life on two priorities.  First priority is to please other people.  (Yes, you read that correctly.  I truly wish it said “to please the Lord.) The second priority is my personal, internal peace.  These two priorities kinda feed off each other, in that, I need the people who are important to me to be happy with me in order for me to be at peace. Nothing earth-shaking there, right?  But this is both frustrating and disappointing to me, because I have been working really hard at not needing affirmation from anyone other than my heavenly Father. And this is no wimpy “oh, I’ll get over it” need, either.  It’s real and very deep and extremely powerful.  It literally is the driving force behind much of what I say, what I do, how I decide, and how I act, even.  And this discovery has been nothing less than wrecking, emotionally.  (If you’ve already known this about me, haha, just let me know!) 

Here’s the crux:  I feel unable to be any different, because I’ve spent 50+ years living out these two priorities.  The most challenging part is that one seems to equal the other:  I have peace when all the important people in my life are happy with me. So I make people happy by pleasing them, in order for myself to be at peace. Thus, all of my people-pleasing is really a selfish act on my part, performed to keep peace in my own heart. It all seems so selfish and self-serving and frustrating to think about a lifetime of continuing on this path I don’t know how to change.  

My only course is to plead for help from the Holy Spirit to live by these verses from Colossians 1 (my paraphrase)

“I will walk in the ways of true righteousness, pleasing God in every good thing I do. Then i will continue to be a fruit-bearing branch, yielding to His life, and maturing in the rich experience of knowing God in His fullness! And I will be energized with all His (noy my own) explosive power from the realm of His magnificent glory, filling me with great hope. My heart soars with joyful gratitude when i think of how God made me worthy to receive the glorious inheritance freely given to me by living in the light. He has rescued me completely from the tyrannical rule of darkness and has translated me into the kingdom realm of His beloved Son. For in the Son all my sins are canceled and I have the release of redemption through His very blood. He is the divine portrait, the true likeness of the invisible God, and the firstborn heir of all creation. For in Him was created the universe of things, both in the heavenly realm and on the earth, all that is seen and all that is unseen. Every seat of power, realm of government, principality, and authority—it all exists through Him and for His purpose! He existed before anything was made, and now everything finds completion in Him, including me.”

That’s a long way of saying that this life is about Him, not me.  It’s about pleasing Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith, not about pleasing my family or anyone else.  Many times, what I’m doing at any given moment is both pleasing Him AND pleasing a person.  It’s more about what is motivating my “desire to please” than my actual actions.  And no, I’m not good at remembering to focus on pleasing Him rather than her/him.  But with the help of the Holy Spirit and these verses, I’m going to improve. There are definitely plenty of opportunities to practice!  And daily, I have plenty of chances to practice keeping my peace when someone I love is unhappy with me.  

The Father is patient with me, so I guess I can be, too.  I cannot please everyone all the time.  But I can make it my life’s mission to please the One who matters most.  

With joy,

Rhonda

P.S.  If you struggle with anxiety, disappointment, despair, or depression, please reach out to me.  I am a certified mental health coach who also struggles with those things, and I would be delighted to share my healing and help you find yours! 

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”

By Rhonda Sassano

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?  WHY DOES THIS  K E E P  HAPPENING TO ME?

We often wonder “Why, Lord, am I going thru this?”  The next divine encounter might be the reason why.  This is a small example, but maybe you can relate:  Last year, Victor had 3 flat tires in less than 14 days.  He was like, God, what is going on?!?!  He “got real” with the Lord for a minute.  Then, when Victor gets into the tow truck, he asks the driver, “How can I help you?” And based on the conversation, Victor shares his testimony with the guy.   Later, Victor’s father-in-law also had a conversation with the same guy about the Lord.  He didn’t know that Victor had already plowed the ground a bit.  And, no. No harvest that day.  But seeds went out or hardened dirt was tilled or fertilizer was mixed in.  Maybe it was just a little water to promote growth.   Either way, the Father has need of your story to draw in the next tow-truck driver.  Or the StarBucks barista or customer.  Or the impatient bank teller.  The careless buggy-collecting teen in the Harris Teeter parking lot.  Am I saying you should tell your story to every person you meet?  No.  I’m saying you need to be WILLING to share it with anyone you meet.  Am I saying that the Lord allows us to experience brokenness so someone else can get saved?  

Yup.  Not usually for that purpose alone, but yes.  And you need to get ready.

 1 Peter 3:15 “Worship Christ with your life. And be ready to tell anyone who asks about the hope that lies within you.”  Sometimes people ask without asking.  They’ll broach a subject or tell you something personal, and then they wait for your response.  That is STILL asking, even if it isn’t phrased as a question.  

 You need to be willing to face your area of brokenness and recognize it for what it is:  normal.  Not embarrassing or showing weakness or sharing TMI or any other lie the enemy wants you to believe.  It is NORMAL to be broken.  To have addictive behaviors.  Don’t misunderstand me here.  I am not saying it is ok to engage in addictive behaviors.  I’m saying we need to recognize them, understand what area of brokenness we are trying to cope with, and ask the Lord to forgive us for believing the lie there and replace it with His truth instead.  (A less offensive term for addictive behaviors is “coping mechanisms.)

You need to understand that God has a purpose for the brokenness He has allowed into your life.   He always has a plan.  A plan for your GOOD.  A plan for your GROWTH.  When you really consider all that has happened in your life: the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful, isn’t that exact conglomeration exactly what has perpetuated your closeness to Jesus?  Aren’t all the circumstances, challenging, easy, difficult, painful, joyful what brought you to where you are today?  Where else might you be except for the Lord intervening in one inconvenient way after another?

Listen.  Let me be really real with you right now.  It IS very difficult to be transparent.  It’s a huge risk to share your story and make yourself vulnerable.  It feels like one of those dreams in which you went to school not completely dressed.  And you don’t need to have the same level of transparency with every person you meet.  But you DO need to admit that you have brokenness.  That you are broken. That you have weathered some terrifying storms in your lifetime.  Earthquakes, even.  And each one of those experiences has changed you.  For better or for worser, you are not the same.

 When I am getting my heart ready for Sunday, every week, it’s tough.  I have to continually submit my will to the Lord.  I have to find the courage again to be vulnerable, to let you in to my pain. Every week, in the words I pray before the message, I intentionally lay my heart bare.  I remove all the covers from my life. In the prayers I pray, you can see all my struggles.  You can hear all my desires.  You can gain a sense of my failures and despairings.  I hope you realize that all I am, my whole life, is on the altar, but I’m still struggling to be still and trust Him when all I really want to do is crawl away and hide.  But you need to know that those prayers are birthed in the secret place where no one is allowed but Jesus.  Sometimes, when I start to write out what’s on my heart to say, words are just…too insufficient.  So I find a passage or a Psalm that communicates the love I want to feel from Him, the faithful kindness I want to experience, and all those things I’m only believing because I know God’s word is true, not because I’m feeling any of it.  So here’s the challenge.  Follow me as I follow Christ.  Take the risk to recognize the brokenness, recognize the goodness of God in it, and be willing to share it.  It could change someone’s life.

Would you spend some time asking the Father for His perspective on the circumstances of your life? Is there something you need to learn, to do, or to change?  Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind any coping mechanisms that have slipped in.  Ask Him to bring into the light any lies you are believing that are perpetuating that coping mechanism.   Ask Him to replace it with His truth and set you free.  Consider the grace the Father has extended to you.  How can we withhold that precious, life-changing grace from others?  

If you have the courage, here’s a prayer:  Father, I acknowledge my brokenness.  And I acknowledge that You have allowed it into my life.  Not for my hurt or for my pain, but to draw me closer to You, to push me to seek Your face more than ever before.  To honor me with a deeper understanding of Who You are.  So I receive all the brokenness from Your hand.  I let go of all the blame.  I forgive the one who has hurt me the most.  You allowed this, all of this, for my good.  So I would choose You.  Help me now to dig deeper, to discover the well of refreshing, the spring of rejuvenation that is found only in Your presence.  Help me hear the lies I speak to myself.  Give me courage to believe Your truth and be free of addictive behaviors.  I can endure pain without coping.  I lean into You.  You promised that when I am weak, then I am strong with YOUR strength.  

In Jesus’ name, amen. 

If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, discouragement, or disappointment, please reach me here:  sunnyshade13@gmail.com.  I am a certified mental health coach and work with those who are fellow-strugglers to find health and healing through creative experiences and expression.

With joy,

Rhonda 

By Rhonda Sassano

Jesus, You are more than worthy! You are the Great I Am.  You are the Lion of Judah, and You are the Great Shepherd, even while You are the Lion, because You are our fierce protector and defender.  At the sound of Your Name, darkness trembles! Fear vanishes! Disease dissipates! And I stand strong, every foe vanquished.  Yes.  You are my Great Shepherd.  I want nothing.  I have more than I need. I don’t ask for anything because You already know and have set a plan in motion to take care of me. I choose to rest here in trust and hope, soaking in Your luxurious love for me. Your love brings me to a quiet brook of peace.  This is where you restore my soul and revive my weary heart. I surrender to Your plan.  Help me want for me only what YOU want for me. Help me be still and wait with joy and anticipation to see what You will do on my behalf. You set me on the path to Life, and it is only You who keeps me on that path, because You’ve written your word on my heart and birthed righteousness in my spirit. Now I long to please You, to walk beside You, to hold Your hand. Even when the path grows dark and murky, when blackness settles around me and hides You from my view. Even when discouragement and fear and doubts threaten to overwhelm me, You are still right beside me, leading me through to the other side.  Your authority is my strength and my peace.  The comfort of Your love removes fear. I am never lonely because You are always near. You provide a never-ending, bountiful feast for me, so that I am content with now and don’t worry about the future. You fill me with Your Holy Spirit, and delight in working on me and through me and with me to touch and bless others. As I hear Your Word today, I receive it with joy and thankfulness.  And I ask the Holy Spirit to bring me opportunities and help me recognize opportunities to share with others how Your goodness and mercy overtake me, and how they can join us in eternity with You. 

By Rhonda Sassano

”I long to drink of you, O God, to drink deeply from the streams of pleasure found flowing from your presence. My longings overwhelm me for more of you! My soul thirsts, pants, and longs for You, the living God. I want to come and see Your face, oh God. Day and night my tears keep falling and my heart keeps crying for your help, while my doubts mock me over and over, saying, “Where is this God of yours? Why doesn’t he help you?” Nevertheless, I speak over my heartbroken soul, “Take courage. Remember when you used to be right out front leading the procession of praise to go into the presence of the Lord? You shouted with joy as the sound of passionate celebration filled the air and the joyous multitude of lovers honored the Lord!” So then, my soul, why are you depressed? Why do you sink into despair? Keep hoping and waiting on God, your Savior. For no matter what, I will still sing with praise, for You God are my saving grace! Here I am depressed and downcast. Yet I still remember You as I ponder the place where your glory streams down from the mighty mountaintops, lofty and majestic—the mountains of your awesome presence. My deep need calls out to the deep kindness of your love. Your waterfall of weeping sent waves of sorrow over my soul, carrying me away, cascading over me like a thundering cataract. All through the day Yahweh commands his endless love to pour over me. Through the night I hear his songs and sing my praises to the living God. I will say to God, “You are my mountain of strength; how does it seem as though you’ve forgotten me? Why must I suffer this vile oppression of fears and doubts and anxious thoughts— these heartless tormentors who are out to deceive me?” Their wounding words pierce my heart over and over while they say, “Where is this God of yours?” Nevertheless.  I say to my soul, “Don’t be discouraged. Don’t be disturbed. For I know my God will break through for me.” Then I’ll have even more reasons to praise him all over again. Yes, he was, and is, and will always be  my saving grace!“

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭42‬:‭1‬-‭11‬ ‭TPT‬‬

    I wrote this out during the week preceding one of the toughest nights of my life.  I had it prepped and ready to share as the ending prayer for the worship set on Sunday.  But I couldn’t do it. Even alone in my closet, I couldn’t read it through without melting into tears.  The tears were a mixture of anger, disappointment, sadness, and an extreme loss of joy.  I jotted down a passage from Isaiah 41 as a safety net. 

     It was a great worship service. The Presence was strong, gentle and sweet.  I continued to shield my heart as I agonized through the “safety net” passage, and the emotions continued as I found my seat in the congregation. 

     After service, an elder’s wife asked me if I was okay.  I didn’t answer right away; as the pastor’s wife, I wanted my answer to be truthful… but measured. Too much vulnerability could prove disastrous. I indicated prayers were appreciated and moved on.

     Fast forward the week to Saturday morning. I was really struggling with guilt of the many hours I felt I “should’ve been working” but missed for one reason or another, and every reason was legitimate but now felt frivolous.  I was exhausted with trying to be grateful, ignore the depression, protect my heart and still be somewhat open to input from well-meaning others. 

     In a conversation with a very close friend, Psalm 23 came up, especially the verse “You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies.” As we shared our hearts about deeper meanings, my friend said “this table is about being content; finding satisfaction and even joy with what has already been provided.” Innocent enough, right?  WRONG!  I felt attacked and ashamed!  Condemnation and conviction both pummeled my thoughts and intentions, my very spirit!  Not wanting to lose my tenuous hold on my tears, I shut down and just listened as my friend went on with Paul’s declaration that whatsoever state he was in, he had learned to be content. 

     After we wrapped up our conversation, it seemed a shower would be a safe place to cry and scream.  And it was. So I did.  Finally, I gave up.  I couldn’t come to any conclusion other than the fact that I am not in control, and that I cannot change a single thing about my situation.  (My pastor would prefer me to say I “gave over.”)  I found myself picturing an altar and a naked figure trying desperately to hide, to escape, to find some modicum of safety or comfort or cover.  Realizing none of what was wanted or needed was present or available, the figure grew still.  I whispered, “Jesus, I want nothing.  I ask for nothing.  I am content with now. These words aren’t even true, Lord, but how I want them to be true!”  I was full-on sobbing now, and the wave of deep deep sadness pressed me into the tile. 

     My spirit began to intercede for me. Looking back, it was truly the Holy Spirit who used my own voice to utter my prayer language on my behalf.  I’ve never prayed for myself like that before.  I believe my spirit, by the prompting of the Holy Spirit, was praying for my mind and my soul, for my will to align with His will.  For the courage to stay on the altar.  To stay still on the altar. To let His work, excruciating though it may be, be completed in me.  

     When I could stand without support from the tile wall, I heard someone mumbling “I want nothing.  I ask for nothing.  I am content with now.”  I wrote the acronym on my mirror, and put it in my phone as an alarm every hour.  

     It took three more days for me to get used to the idea of not wanting or asking for anything.  I made a huge effort to inquire of the Lord everything…  before every word spoken, every crumb eaten, every text written, every … everything.  I was determined not to do ANYthing on my own.  It was the only way I could think to stay on the altar.  But it’s the beginning of the fifth day, and I can be transparent about my heart:  I feel better.  Less stressed.  My emotions are more stable, I have a different (better?) perspective on my situation (which isn’t exactly earth-shattering, in any case.) 

     By choosing to let go of everything I thought I needed and everything I knew I wanted… it’s been an enormous relief, actually. If I don’t already have it, then when I need it, the Lord will give it to me.  And if He doesn’t, then it’s for my good and maybe I don’t need it as much as I thought.  

     Could it be so simple, you ask?  Well there was definitely nothing simple about arriving at this conclusion!  It was an arduous, intensely painful journey.  And I’m still struggling to just … be still.  To stay on the altar.  But my heart so wants to please Him!  And if it takes an altar to do that. . . here I am. 

    Jeremiah 32:39-41 says,

(with my paraphrase,) ”I will give Rhonda one heart, and one way, so that for her good, she will fear Me always. I will make an everlasting covenant with Rhonda: I will never turn away from doing good to her, and I will put fear of Me in her heart so she will never again turn away from Me. I take delight in Rhonda, to do what is good for her, and with all My heart and mind I will faithfully plant her in this land.“

     In Exodus 20, the Israelites are standing at the base of the mountain, physically trembling in awestruck fear of the God who was tangibly present in the swirling clouds, thunder and lightning.  Moses tells them that the Lord wants to speak to them, but they were too afraid and backed away from the mountain, from the Holy Presence.  And from that moment forward, they were stuck in a cycle of rebellion and repentance.  If they had only stood still and heard His voice!  They would have been instilled with a sense of holy awe, divine respect, and deep desire to please Him.  Instead, they were simply unable to trust Him with anything, much less their hearts. 

     How about me?  Oh, I’ve heard His voice!  My heart wants to please Him more than I want to stay alive!  My flesh, not always so much…

     How about you?  You can hear Him and find relief, too.  Open the Word.  Open your heart.  His love is perpetual, never diminished, never doing anything other than what is for my best.  (And yours!)

     If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, discouragement, anger, or any other emotions, please connect with me.  I am a certified mental health coach and have been successful using creative expression to facilitate better mental health. It would be my privilege to encourage you!  Here’s my contact info

sunnyshade13@gmail.com

With joy,

Rhonda

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“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”