By Rhonda Sassano

A Heart that Hides

Holy Spirit,  I am still feeling vulnerable.  And I’m protecting my heart from further pain.  It’s ridiculous, I know!  I’m such an absurdity!  I pull away and then wanna be close and then I get close and then something happens that I don’t like and instead of leaning in, I pull away!  WHAT DO I WANT FROM YOU??? How can I sense the closeness and much-longed-for intimacy when I’m constantly in and out and up and down and here and there and yon… I want to be able to push the emotions aside and just live from a place of … peace.  Deep inner peace that nothing shakes. Even as I write this, I’m aware that I do have that peace.  It’s just covered over with a few (ok, several) layers of mixed feelings.  Grief.  Sadness. Loss. Lack of hope. Too little joy.  And yet, I know where to find the antidote for each one of those things! Some days, I just cannot convince myself to reach out. To look for You. To seek Your face… I  let the paper tigers of  disappointment, frustration, and the possibility of rejection to come between me and You, to stand in place of the Veil, to keep me separated from Your Presence…it’s all too convenient to just not go there.  

I know what it is:  it’s the letter I received from a sweet young friend, offering help and a perspective that isn’t fully informed.  And now I need to have a conversation with this friend.  The potential for disaster is 

H U G E…  and my heart is closed up so tightly, all the inner recesses packed with excuses (and lies) in hopes of cushioning the blows that await me.  This never works for long.  But still.  There’s no convincing my heart to relax, to come out of hiding, to remain ready to receive, to just to see what happens.  Huh uh. . . the potential for pain is too great.  

It’s one or the other, though.  Either Mr heart is open to everyone, including You, or closed off and protected from everyone.  Including You. 

Selah.  

So I wait, with my heart deep under cover.  Will my friend realize? I’m usually so open and free, surely the difference will be noticeable! Even without intent, I must admit the spirit is felt rather than seen.  How many times have I just sensed when someone is hurting, even though their words and expressions belie the inner turmoil? That’s my spirit touching the other person’s spirit.  It’s wonderful and scary at the same time… I really want others to encounter the spirit of Jesus when they encounter me!  

Jesus, help me!  In your Name, I command my spirit to be open, to come out of hiding, to throw off the layers of lies and excuses, to enter a state of vulnerability!  I’d rather risk the wounds myself than be the one wounding her!  

I don’t feel any different.  But I choose to believe that Your Name has power over my heart and mind and spirit.  I command my emotions to be quiet.  I acknowledge you, but you are not my dictator.   Yes.  Peace is slowly stealing across my spirit, seeping in to all the crevices and secret spots, soothing the fears.  I trust You, Holy Spirit, for the right words at the right time.  This is a deep relationship, highly treasured and highly valued by us both.  By You, too. Our relationship will weather this storm and be stronger when it’s over.  

C’mon, heart.  You may not be able to trust me, or her, but He is trustworthy.  And if wounds occur, they will heal by His hand.   Heart, you are safe.  Not from pain, but from 

Brokenness is never wasted by a good, Good Father. 

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”