By Rhonda Sassano
A Long Time Coming
Yesterday, I was out for a walk with my baby granddaughter. It was a beautiful day and we were traveling along the Greenway, a trail that runs alongside a shallow waterway that is marshy at points and occasionally deepens into a little brook that gurgles and splashes. My thoughts turned to all the changes that are occurring in my life right now. There’s a bunch! And changes are challenging enough by themselves; add depression to the mix and ka-POW, we might have a situation! But with a little startle, I realized I hadn’t felt ‘depressed’ in a couple weeks. Had it really been that long, I wondered? Maybe more like a few days in a row? But no, as I thought back over the last 21 days, the truth was that I had NOT had any sense of desperation, any hopelessness, any thoughts of suicide. Although I had wanted to give into the urge to ‘call someone’ and just cry a few times, those passed when I chose to focus on the Lord being all I needed, reminding myself, even propelling, my thoughts to His love and care for me.
What had made the difference, I mused. All my situations were the same or worse. All the changes were still moving towards me at an alarming pace. I had no more answers than before. There was only more … comfort, more strength. More determination to “do it right this time.” I asked the Holy Spirit to show me what was the hinge point, what started the turnaround. A children’s song came to mind, “We’re following the leader.” I started to sing it softly, and the words began to rewrite themselves in my heart. Soon, it was this: “I’m following the Shepherd, the Shepherd, the Shepherd. I’m following the Shepherd, wherever He may lead.” And the next verse went like this: “When I don’t know what’s happening, what’s happening, what’s happening. When I don’t know what’s happening, I will trust in Him.” Now the tears started. And a third verse came with a little struggle, “When I can’t see around the bend, around the bend, around the bend. When I can’t see around the bend, His hand is holding me.” And then my heart was straining to express all my gratefulness for His faithfulness! I certainly hadn’t made it easy for Him to love me these last several months, and I’m positive He waited in vain for me so many times to just hand Him my heart! (And the last verse I have forgotten, but it ended with “my trust in Him will be.” Yes, more tears 😉
But the song, affirming though it was, didn’t answer my question. I decided the answer would come in time, and it did.
About two months ago, my therapist told me she couldn’t see me anymore. Apparently, her company had made some changes and some clients were being … pushed out. I had already been waiting for two weeks for an appointment when she notified me of the change. I was NOT happy about this one bit! But having zero choice and zero options, I turned to the Lord. It was in a very desperate moment that a very big “hinge point” happened. It was not realized at the time, but looking back, with the Holy Spirit’s nudge, I can see it now. What was it? I decided to lay on the altar and be still. I put reminders in my phone, every waking hour, that read “IAFNIWFNIACWN” What in the world??? (Sorry! I love acronyms, and my phone is easily seen by everyone in my family, so… ;-D)
It stands for this “I ask for nothing I want for nothing I am content with now.”
The searing pain that gripped my heart every time those alarms went off! But I diligently repeated the phrase over and over again. Not just at the reminders, but every time I wanted to buy something I couldn’t afford at the moment. Every time I longed for my own house. Every time I missed a friend I couldn’t go and visit. Every time I wanted to spend more time with my daughter or my grandbaby. Every time my wake-up alarm declared “Get ready for work” and every time I didn’t have opportunity to create or meditate or do any of the things that are helpful at keeping depression from taking over.
After about 4 or 5 weeks of “IAFNIWFNIACWN,” at a new revelation, it became “IAGFNIWNEIACWN.” “I am grateful for now, I want nothing else, I am content with now.” I made it a point to stop and focus my heart on these words, a paraphrase of “in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” This phrase, in particular I think, propelled me forward onto a new platform of strength and joy. I know for certain that the determination to keep doing it, to maintain the push, was not my own. Just like the Holy Spirit overtook my own spirit in an extreme moment of deepest hopelessness, He had overtaken it consistently and gave me the wherewithal, if not the desire, to press into these prayers.
Know what? Prayer works. Scripture works. It took some time, and I didn’t even notice the change… but when I found seeds of truth, I planted them instead of throwing them out because they didn’t fit what I felt. And listening to the Holy Spirit, I kept them watered and pulled the weeds and moved them out of the extreme heat, and basically put in the work. Now, a mere handful of weeks later, I’m living a harvest of peace, joy, and strength I didn’t know were available to me. AND I AM BEYOND GRATEFUL!
No. Joy and peace and strength do not fix everything. Staying on the altar doesn’t either. But there is an… an unexpected fulfillment in complete surrender. Hard to explain, but not hard to sense.
So in the realization that depression wasn’t taking me over any longer, I cautiously looked around for it. I saw it, over in the corner, kinda trying to hide. A small blob of dirty goo. As I stared at it, the blob started to inch a little closer. I quickly looked away! Glancing back, the blob had ceased to move. Whew! Ignoring it works! But I knew I needed to think about it.
I asked the Holy Spirit to help me figure out how to keep it small, to the side, NOT in control. Not ever again. Gratefulness came to mind. Relationships. I could see walls of plexiglass starting to surround the blob. Creativity. Meditation. Those formed the other walls and now the blob was completely encased. The plexiglass is not perfectly transparent, and the more layers I add, the less the transparency. So I will be added more layers until the blob is completely concealed!
Except for the top. “What about the top?” I asked the Holy Spirit. “No, no top,” He said. “You can still reach in anytime.” But Blob can’t get out without your help.” Woah. “You mean…” I started. “Yup. If you keep doing what you’re doing: ignore it, declare gratefulness, pursue relationships, make time for creativity even in a small way, and spend time with Me, Blob will never have power over you again.” Emotion started to rise, and then abruptly stopped when I acknowledged the weight of this responsibility. “Is this healing? I always thought healing came from You, Lord, not from me.” And then I knew. Not one good thing that is in me is from me. Every good thing, and I mean EVERY good thing in me is from HIM. And I receive it with joy and gratefulness. Blob, you might always be a “thorn in the flesh,” but His grace is sufficient (to keep it a reminder and not a controlling factor,) to maintain my focus on Jesus, on Who He is, on who I am IN Him and because of Him. I can be part of what He is doing in my life and in the lives of those around me by His strength and His empowerment. I don’t live for me, for my desires, for my selfish victimness that wants pity and control. (uh huh…the flesh lives on.) But every day, Paul says, “I beat my body into submission…” Staying on the altar is the only way to keep my flesh submitted to my spirit, which is in a divine, unexplainable, inextricable amalgamation with the Holy Spirit, which is the Spirit of Jesus Himself… hallelujah! With that combination, the only option for me is a win-win! And it is for YOU, too!
