Lynna Clark

I got a call this week. The number that popped up looked familiar. Then I realized it was MY number. I’m surprised I recognized it. When I answered I received a recorded message that Verizon had detected suspicious activity related to my phone. Therefore it would be shut down for a period of time while they investigated. If I wanted to reactivate my phone I should dial pound, something something something.

I did my best to remember the instructions, repeating them over in my head while I scrambled to find a pen. I tried calling David to see if my phone worked. It did not. So I followed the directions and got a recording from Verizon giving more instructions. Quickly I followed them before I forgot. Star something something something.

Holy cow! If a bad guy had indeed hacked my phone, all kinds of chaos could ensue. I couldn’t think of what that would be, but it worried me.

I checked the incoming call number again. Yep… still my number. I put my phone away for a bit wondering what to do. Eventually

I tried calling David again. This time the call went through and we decided to follow up online that evening.
When he did, he was politely informed by a technician at Verizon that it was a scam directly targeting the…

I can’t say it.

It was a scam targeting the… elderly.

Owwwch.

I’ve always prided myself in not falling for ignoramus stuff like that. I am well aware that the Prince of Persia does not desire my presence at his gala. But this time…

I’m so elderly.

In my last article I proudly told you how to remember if you’ve added all the ingredients to the dish you’re making. I shared my great recipe for Cranberry Pumpkin Bread… and left out the pumpkin. I didn’t even catch it until my friend Crystal commented.

“Okay dear. Where’s the pumpkin?”

Who in their right mind would leave the pumpkin out of the pumpkin bread?

Before that I also bragged to my daughter about our new oxtail. Now we can listen to music through our sound bar which when connected to our phone will play anything we want with amazing sound. I can say, “Alexa, play Toby Mac.” Suddenly I’m doing housework at a high rate of speed. I can change things up by saying, “Alexa, play instrumental hymns” and immediately I’m peacefully transported to the magical land of Hobby Lobby.

My daughter laughed and I wondered why. “Mama,” she informed. “It’s not an oxtail. It’s an aux cord; A-U-X like auxiliary.”
Suddenly I am old again.

Downright elderly.

Oh well. I think I shall plug up my oxtail and request something by Elvis. Instantly I will be young and the house shall rock. Hopefully I won’t fall and break a hip.

And if the phone rings and my number pops up, perhaps this time I will have sense enough to let me leave a message.

Today marks a very special season. No, not Autumn… though as I write it is September 22. Now is also the time when all things pumpkin arrive. A Facebook friend of mine posted a picture of pumpkin baloney. Ewwww…

No thanks.

However, I do have an awesome recipe for Cranberry Pumpkin Bread. Along with it comes a bit of advice for those of us moving into the “What was I doing?” phase of life. Thankfully, the burning questions that haunt me no longer involve life changing decisions. I picked my handsome man about a hundred years ago. We didn’t decide to have kids. We just had them, one right after another until my kind neighbor, JT asked me one day. “Don’t y’all know what causes that?” By the age of twenty five all that was settled.

We still wonder sometimes where we’re supposed to land in our golden years. We’re not quite into golden yet. I think we’re closer to the Rust-Oleum years: that magical time when everything we own could use a good coat of paint. Honestly I don’t care where we land, just so it’s together. No, the burning questions that haunt me are more like, “Did I add baking soda and salt to the batter yet?”

I find myself counting egg shells to figure out if I finished what I started. Just because my beloved calls me from the other room to observe the replay of a fantastic tackle by my favorite linebacker Luke Kuechly, doesn’t mean the pumpkin bread should go without eggs. One cannot go leaving stuff out all willy-nilly and expect proper results.

So I’ve found a solution. It’s as good as having a dish by the door for your keys. That way you can always find them. You’re gonna love this.

Spread all the ingredients in the recipe to the left of the mixer. As you add them to the batter, move them to the right. Seriously, it’s the only way I can keep up anymore.

I remember one time when we were out of black pepper. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember to buy it. When finally I did, I went to put it away and found two other boxes. Apparently I had remembered it three trips ago but forgot I remembered.

I’ve learned not to interrupt David in the middle of a story. If I do, he forgets what he was saying and I don’t get to hear the rest of it.

Bless our hearts.

The other night I woke up and thought, “Denzel Washington!” I couldn’t wait to tell David the next morning. His excited reply was, “Huh?”

“Denzel Washington. You know… we were trying to remember who played the guy in the movie.”

His eyes glazed over. “Movie?”

“Yes! Remember the new Equalizer movie we saw on television? That was Denzel Washington.”

He nodded. “Yep. Glad you cleared that up. I was pretty worried about it.”

Apparently things do not bother him as much as they do me.

Of course he’s never experienced Cranberry Pumpkin Bread without the eggs.

By Lynna Clark

Currently there is a hurricane headed for the Gulf States; a harbinger of chaos and destruction named Isaias. I remember a time when twin hurricanes were in the Gulf and we were in for some serious destruction. Twins are like that you know. My mom used to tell of taking us three girls to Noah’s Five and Dime in Landis when we were small. My sisters who are twins would immediately wrench their little hands from our mother’s grasp and take off in different directions. It was a fun game of cat and mouse… until mama got them home. This regular occurrence was not due to lack of discipline. Believe me, there was plenty of that. I think it was more about what my two younger siblings considered to be fun. Apparently they inherited our daddy’s talent for mischief. I remember one time coming back to the house from the garden with mama and finding the screen door locked with those two goobers inside. Like a couple spider monkeys they sat on the kitchen counter with a box of vanilla wafers, stuffing as many in their mouths as possible. Through the screen mama implored them to unlatch the door.

“Cain’t,” mumbled one of them. “Stuck,” mumbled the other. Eventually mama convinced them to use the broom handle to pop the latch off. It took a while as there were many cookie breaks between tries. Sometimes I wonder how mama held it together raising us three. Of course I was a lovely child never prone to wander. So at least there was that.

As David and I watched the weather channel the other night detailing the projected paths of the twin hurricanes, the weather person pointed to the map and a large red swath moving inland from the Gulf. With a solemn voice meant to relay the severity of the situation she intoned. “This is the cone of uncertainty.”

We looked at each other and laughed. “Really? So that’s what that looks like! Only shouldn’t it cover the entire world at this point? Or at least our whole country?” If you’re like us, life feels a lot like a big fat cone of uncertainty. Chaos and destruction are reported on every hand. You can’t watch a Braves game without Covid being mentioned a hundred times. At least the victory celebrations have gotten more interesting. Grown men dancing in the outfield approximately six feet apart is kind of fun.

For now, I think I shall relax in the uncertainty. Though I am not one who likes surprises I’ve learned. It’s not about what I like. We’ve lived long enough to have suffered loss of loved ones, loss of homes, loss of churches and health and jobs. When you’ve been through a few crap storms you grow to realize. There is only One Who knows the end from the beginning. He is not surprised or caught off guard at our current events. The important thing to do is to pray. Hand it all to Him. I’m telling you this from experience. Giving Him the load to bear and trusting Him for the outcome is the only way to navigate the current cone of uncertainty. That way, when the dust settles, the troubles we have are not of our own making; like ulcers from worry, high blood pressure from irritation, or guilt from an angry response. In fact, I think a vanilla wafer might be in order. Perhaps with a little peanut butter. The world can yell through the screen door all it wants. The Lord is in charge of me. He alone is faithful.

By Lynna Clark

There is a nice young man outside going around our house in a very meticulous fashion. First he moved all my flower pots. Did you get that? He moved ALL my flower pots. Some of those suckers are fork-lift worthy. Then he watered them as a protection from the cleanser he was about to use on the siding. From there he sprayed soap over all the exterior surfaces of the house. Now he is power washing the old white siding until it shines. I feel so rich! And it’s not even my birthday!

We’ve always been do-it-yourselfers. That came naturally since we were way too poor to think of hiring an expert. It’s been the running joke with our daughters to spot something beautiful or crafty and immediately say in unison, “We could make that.” Sometimes it works. Other times not so much.

A few years back David and I rented a pressure washer and did-it-ourselves. By the time we finished I swore to never get sucked into such an adventure ever again. I was soaked and filthy down to my skivvies. Perhaps I stood too close to the house or something. But I’m kinda like a T-Rex with little short useless arms. The back spray was hefty. Two days later I was still finding stuff in my hair. Thanks to Mike of The Property Pal, that shall not be the case this time.

My friend Ann and her hubby are also used to doing everything needed around the house. Last month they HIRED a crew to trim some of their massive trees. She too felt rich, especially since she didn’t have to drag off the limbs. That crew even cleaned her patio with a leaf blower. OH! What frivolous luxury!

Mike is almost finished with our house. It’s taken him all morning and though the calendar says it’s fall, the thermometer begs to differ. What a hard worker. People like him are surely a rare breed. Folks tend to idolize celebrities and athletes, actors and actresses. I’ve actually never needed one. But I AM in awe of my plumber. Give me a waitress who pays attention or a man with plumbing skills, or a guy like Mike any day. These fine folks keep the world turning… and more importantly FLUSHING! For people like me who get to hire them, oh how incredibly blessed we are!

In fact, I’m feeling rather fabulous.

By Lynna Clark

My kids seldom ask for anything. It’s true. Our three grown daughters with children of their own seem very content with the life they live. It’s hard to get them to share a Christmas list. So they end up getting bedroom shoes or something exciting like that. Our middle daughter Amanda is much like me in that she cannot eat whatever she wants all willy-nilly. Both of us are fearfully and wonderfully made; actually more fearful than wonderful. So when she had a special request for her birthday I determined to grant her wish.

I had no idea she’d request a gluten-free cheesecake. She could compromise on the dairy and the sugar since it would be her birthday dessert. But what could I do for the crust? Besides, I’ve never made a good cheesecake in my life. My first attempt was lovingly dubbed the Chainsaw Cheesecake. It was not delicious. But it was memorable.

A later attempt was made when my sister Tamra gave me her recipe. It came out beautiful… until I removed the spring form pan. That thing ran right down the side of the counter into a puddle on the floor. I think I may have shed a few tears. The details are a bit fuzzy. It was not delightful.

This time David and I put our heads together and gave it another shot. For the crust we used toasted pecans and semi-sweet chocolate chips. Then using recipes from my sister and my niece Sara we gleaned enough to try again.

It turned out perfect!

However! Here are a few tricks that seemed to make a difference between this cheesecake and the others.

• First, set your cream cheese out early so it’ll come to room temperature
• Next spray or grease your spring form pan way more than you think you need to
• Bake the crust at 400 degrees for 10 minutes then COOL the pan for about 20 minutes
• Pour a little of the cheesecake batter onto the crust; smooth with a spatula then slowly add the rest; this helps the crust stay in place
• Tent the top of the pan with foil but don’t seal; this keeps the top from browning too much
• Add a pan of water [about one inch] on the rack below the cheesecake to prevent cracking
• Don’t open the oven while baking
• Leave in the oven overnight
• Chill the cheesecake before serving
• Pray

What? You mean you’ve never prayed over a dessert before? Me neither! Maybe that’s why this one finally turned out. Here’s the recipe. You’re also going to want to top this with homemade caramel sauce.

And we wonder why we waddle.

Crust:

Toast about 2 cups of pecans in a little butter in a skillet; salt very lightly; chop then add to bottom of greased 8 inch spring form pan; Top with semi-sweet morsels; bake at 400 for 10 minutes; cool 20

Cheesecake:               Preheat oven to 400; reduce to 300 when cheesecake is put into oven

Cream together:

• 3 blocks of cream cheese
• 1 c. sugar
• 5 eggs [one at a time]

Smooth batter over cooled crust; bake one hour; turn oven off but don’t open; let cheesecake rest in oven overnight

Okay, so I peeked at it a few hours later once the oven had cooled. But I didn’t move it… honest.

Caramel sauce: [From the Pioneer Woman]

In a saucepan on medium heat melt and stir together

• 1 stick butter
• 1 c. brown sugar
• ½ cup cream or half and half
• ¼ teaspoon salt

Stir until smooth; cook 2 minutes after it starts to bubble; whisk until smooth; cool before tasting or you will scorch the roof of your mouth; don’t ask me how I know.

David also made homemade whipped topping from heavy whipping cream… because obviously this dessert needed more yumminess. It was a little bit decadent.

May your dessert turn out lovely! May your birthday wishes come true! And may you never have to cut your cheesecake with a chainsaw.

By Lynna Clark

Have you ever been so embarrassed that you wanted to crawl under a table and hide? Like the time when I was a young mother and my skirt fell off at homecoming. We’re talking church gym full of covered dishes and gloriously sanctified saints. This was in the eighties so picture a cute little yellow wrap around number that tied on the side. My darling middle child, who was about five at the time, poked a hole in the bottom of her Styrofoam cup with her pointy little finger. Red punch poured freely onto those nearby while she examined her homemade fountain with wonder. Being a young nimble woman, I jumped into action. Unbeknownst to me the knotted end of my skirt tie was caught in the foldy part of the metal chair where I was perched. In one fell swoop my skirt was left behind as I bounded toward the buffet line for napkins. Praise God for petticoats.

Fast forward to 2019.

We’ve been dealing with a health issue for quite a while. I say “we” because David, my better half for 45 years has journeyed with me through all kinds of treatments. A few weeks ago the pain increased to the point that we decided to consult our family physician. I’ve been through so many tests and “cures” down through the years, that frankly even though I love my new doctor and have the utmost respect for her, I’ve never actually talked with her about this mystery. I decided it was time.

Together we chose a medication that might relieve some of the pain. By the second week in, I could barely toddle without help. Thank the good Lord I haven’t had to be in a hurry to fetch napkins. Annyyywayyy…

At my urging, David took me to a baby shower. Since I really wanted to see our nieces and nephews and all the new babies they’re having, I assured him I’d be fine. We parked close to the door but as he helped me inside, the August heat hit full force. I stumbled and could not tell which way was up. I’ve never been so drunk in all my life. Suddenly I felt very old and feeble. It was even more embarrassing than losing my skirt at church. Later one of my sweet nieces asked if I’d like to hold her baby. I shook my head no then mumbled something about being on drugs. Seems like I laughed quite a bit longer than I should have. Thankfully though, I still had all my clothes on.

When we left, David led me to the car. I stumbled again and hung onto him for dear life. Bless his sweet heart. Like the gentleman he is, he took the drunk girl home. I settled into my recliner and had a good cry. A short while later his sister Gail sent him a text to check on me. Her kindness reminded me of several things.

We all go through embarrassment. Some events are still funny forty years later while others are too fresh to laugh at just yet. AND the people who love us are going to love us no matter what. So since I’m not quite ready to laugh at my current embarrassment, here are two quotes found on Facebook lately that relate.

One: “I can talk an awful lot of smack for someone who tips over when putting on their underwear. Two: “People who are chronically ill are not pretending to be sick. They are pretending to be well.”

By the way, I called a nurse to ask for advice. She was very kind and suggested three things.

One: Stay cool. Two: Move slowly. Three: Call her back if I pass out.

First of all, this is the August from Sheol if I’m not mistaken. Second, I can’t move any slower. I’m already in sloth mode. Third, if I pass out, surely someone else will call 911.

Update:

One month later it’s still hot. But thankfully I was weaned off the extra meds and got the bulk of my balance back. So if you were one of the many people who gave me grace during the questionable times, I love you. And someday if you find yourself staggering, I promise to give you the benefit of the doubt.

It’s just no fun falling down drunk without a party.

By Lynna Clark

What’s your default setting? Where do you go when nothing makes sense? Do you have a happy place that re-boots your psyche? Christianese would say, “Run to Jesus.” So how do you do that when the bills pile up, the pain is great and prayers seem to go unanswered?

A good friend of mine who struggles with depression will watch a funny movie. Another friend finds great solace in his deer stand. He can sit in the forest on a cold, frosty morning for hours. David will take a long ride on his motorcycle through the quiet countryside. He calls it therapy. Me? Take me to the beach. Give me a day watching the waves and suddenly I’m good for another couple months.

The sweetest story is recorded in the last chapter of John. Seven guys were together after witnessing the horrible death of their friend. Even though they had seen Him alive, and realized that God had raised Him from the dead, their future was very uncertain. Unmet expectations, fear of the unknown and the lingering question of “What now?” made way for hurt and doubt.

Peter reveals his default setting with “I’m going fishing.”

His friends joined him. But after fishing all night their nets were as empty as their souls. With dawn breaking a stranger called out to them the ageless question.

“Catching anything?”

“We’ve got nothing,” was their reply.

“Throw your nets on the other side,” came the familiar suggestion.

With nets suddenly full, memories of provision and care filled their weary souls. Once they hauled in the bounty, they made their way to the shore where Jesus was waiting. There He had a hot breakfast ready for them. Can He get any sweeter?

Here is the Lord of glory, Who has just conquered death, Who understands their fear and emptiness, cooking breakfast on the sea shore for His weary friends.

He’s kind like that. It wasn’t enough to call out a greeting; or to fill their boat with fish; or even just appear to them again in order to let them know everything would be okay. Nope. He cooked breakfast.

That is a picture of our Savior: Grace heaped upon grace.

Just when we cannot take another thing, He sends what we need to fill our empty souls.

Hold on my friend. He will be calling to you shortly. Don’t feel bad if you have to look to Him and reply, “I’ve got nothing.” He already knows. He’s cooking up something special that will be just what you need.

By Lynna Clark

Did you hear about the incident at the East Rowan Library? It was all about me. Yeah… apparently I am a big deal. My friend Brittney who works there invited me to speak about my vast experience in writing. The media got wind of it. A crowd gathered. Authorities were called. As we approached the venue with great anticipation, emergency lights flashed in the distance. David pulled our vehicle to the right side of the road so they could lead us through the mob. Evidently Rockwell paparazzi can get pretty rowdy. I guess I need to get used to it. The life of a famous writer can be rather intense.

Did I mention that I write fiction?

So what really happened was…

A few friends shared the event on Facebook. As we traveled toward Rockwell the person in front of us drove at the rate of 25 mph the entire way. But that’s perfectly understandable since he was busy texting. The joy I’d claimed earlier in the day turned to a fervent, heartfelt prayer.

“Lord Jesus, please help me not cuss…”

Apparently someone keeled over at one of the fast food joints and needed emergency personnel. As lights flashed in our direction we pulled to the right. Though I encouraged my beloved to pass the dude in front of us as soon as the ambulance cleared, he is not that guy. David does not bend the rules of the highway. The man is so righteous that he slams on breaks for caution lights. It’s a wonder our marriage has lasted so long.

Texting dude slowly made his way back onto the road, making the star of the show late. Well, not actually late. I guess I should say later than I wanted to be. David always leaves early enough to account for such aggravation.

When finally we got there, the place was packed! We had to park across the way in the gravel lot by the dentist. There were at least thirteen people there… if you count me and David… and the two librarians who hosted… plus my best friend and her husband… and the two who walked out during my riveting presentation.

Dang Millennials. Hey… old people know stuff!

Annyyywayyy… a good time was had by all. I got to meet Michael, who I called Matthew several times. I met Judy and Brenda and Brooke the hugger. My friend Vickie stopped by even though she had groceries in the car. Randall asked good questions which sounded pre-planned, except that I didn’t have answers. But I will next time.

Did I say next time? What I meant was… if I can work another event into my very busy schedule. I’m kind of a big deal.

Someday I’m going to invent a sarcasm font. Folks with my warped sense of humor would certainly benefit.

PS:

The next big event is this Saturday in Lexington, NC. Missions Pottery and More is hosting my new book release from 9am – 4pm. I’ll bring copies of all my books. No pre-order necessary. I’d love to meet you!

By Lynna Clark

We really enjoy watching the Atlanta Braves play. In fact we’ve been fans long enough to remember the days of Andrew Jones, Javy Lopez, John Smoltz, and long before that Dale Murphy. Now we appreciate all the new guys. I think what makes it so enjoyable is that the team is having a good time. They joke with the opposing fans and players. They laugh at each other and make fun of their own mistakes. I kinda love it. Plus all the winning is fun too.

The other night something terrible happened. One of our favorite players, Charlie Culberson, got hit in the head with a ninety-one mile an hour fastball. He immediately went down. As Charlie lay bleeding in the dirt, we waited… and prayed.

The third base coach, Ron Washington is a seasoned veteran who tends to treat each player as a son. As Charlie suffered, Papa Wash, as David dubbed him, kneeled in the dirt beside him. While medics attended his head, gently he patted Charlie’s leg as if soothing his son.

Eventually the medical staff was able to get our wounded player onto a cart. As they drove away Charlie lifted his head to search out the National’s pitcher Fernando Rodney. The men exchanged a moment of grace when Charlie simply gave him a thumbs up. Rodney was visibly shaken and struggled to maintain control when later he continued pitching.

A fastball to the head is serious. Most likely Charlie is out for the rest of this season. If bones are crushed near the eye socket his entire career could be over. I remember years ago when a player was hit with a similar pitch. Because of a shift in the position of the bones around the eye, the man no longer had the depth perception he needed to play. I’m sure both men were aware of the severity of the injury. Yet one simple gesture said in essence,

“It’s okay. I know the ball just got away from you.” 

I felt almost as sorry for the pitcher as I did for Charlie. I wanted to hug him and usher him away from the field. Like Papa Wash I wanted to kneel in the dirt by Charlie. Like the man on the cart holding a towel on Charlie’s head I wanted to put an arm around his shoulder and tell him I’m proud of his reaction toward Rodney. Had I been there I would have tipped my cap and saluted the Washington fans for the silence they gave to the moment and later for their standing ovation as Charlie was carted away.

The Braves announcers were so sickened by the moment that Jeff Francoeur could hardly continue. Chip Caray chose his words wisely and promised us updates. He too expressed sympathy for the pitcher and even the manager of the opposing team.

I know.

None of them are perfect. But I love the Braves. They reminded me of something valuable. People are hurting all around us. May we kneel in the dirt, pat someone on the back, or gently speak a word of grace.

No matter where life takes us, may we do our best to walk worthy of our calling.

Living Off the Land

by Lynna Clark

Did you miss the holiday? No, not Mother’s Day. You can’t miss that if you watch television at all. Every jewelry store on the planet makes sure to remind us. Last Saturday was not only Cinco de Mayo, the day for which we stock up on limes and avocados and don’t know why. It was also Naked Gardening Day… according to our cousin Michael. The event seems to be an important one to him as he always reminds us of it on Facebook. Thankfully we don’t live near the man as we choose not to observe the holiday. Our garden is not that big. We did however get our binoculars out and keep them handy in case our neighbors decided to celebrate.

Though we didn’t observe any tiptoeing through the tulips, we did discover a family of groundhogs. The daddy is huge and looks like a bear when he stands on his hind legs. Not like a Kodiak but more like a miniature brown bear with a long tail. His fur is reddish and fluffy but I was not fooled by his cuteness. A few summers ago either he or one of his cohorts stripped the leaves off my mom-in-law’s tomato plants leaving only a naked stalk. The daddy groundhog’s wife is gray and smaller. She tends to make her way over to our yard when she notices the truck is not in the carport. The ground there is soft and dusty and she seems to enjoy rooting around in it for some reason. I nearly soiled my undies the other morning when I stepped outside unaware of her presence. She stood on hind legs as if questioning my being in her space. So I did what any normal person would do. I barked like a dog until she waddled home on her short chubby legs.

Sorry. I have no right to make fun of anyone’s short chubby legs. [Yet another reason to refrain from observing Naked Gardening Day.] I must add she was surprisingly fast for such a plump creature. She scooted her fluffy body under the neighbor’s shed and peeked out at me. Even with binoculars I couldn’t see through the lattice where she hid. I envisioned her gathering her one pup near her side and warning that if a person acts that strange, especially in broad daylight, they probably have rabies.

Hopefully she will not be back. This is the first time David has tried having a little garden in a long time. All he wants is a good tomato sandwich, a few cucumbers for pickling, and a couple zucchinis to make bread. Is that too much to ask? It only cost us $537 to build a raised bed, haul in good dirt, pay the kid next door to help us unload it, and buy the few plants.

Oh and cages for the tomatoes. It makes me laugh at how tall they are compared to the tiny plants inside. David looked at them the other day and spoke with his dry humor. “Somebody has high hopes.”

Yep. We are determined to eat something from our backyard this season… living off the land and all.  I just hope it’s not groundhog.

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