Lynna Clark

Today marks a very special season. No, not Autumn… though as I write it is September 22. Now is also the time when all things pumpkin arrive. A Facebook friend of mine posted a picture of pumpkin baloney. Ewwww…

No thanks.

However, I do have an awesome recipe for Cranberry Pumpkin Bread. Along with it comes a bit of advice for those of us moving into the “What was I doing?” phase of life. Thankfully, the burning questions that haunt me no longer involve life changing decisions. I picked my handsome man about a hundred years ago. We didn’t decide to have kids. We just had them, one right after another until my kind neighbor, JT asked me one day. “Don’t y’all know what causes that?” By the age of twenty five all that was settled.

We still wonder sometimes where we’re supposed to land in our golden years. We’re not quite into golden yet. I think we’re closer to the Rust-Oleum years: that magical time when everything we own could use a good coat of paint. Honestly I don’t care where we land, just so it’s together. No, the burning questions that haunt me are more like, “Did I add baking soda and salt to the batter yet?”

I find myself counting egg shells to figure out if I finished what I started. Just because my beloved calls me from the other room to observe the replay of a fantastic tackle by my favorite linebacker Luke Kuechly, doesn’t mean the pumpkin bread should go without eggs. One cannot go leaving stuff out all willy-nilly and expect proper results.

So I’ve found a solution. It’s as good as having a dish by the door for your keys. That way you can always find them. You’re gonna love this.

Spread all the ingredients in the recipe to the left of the mixer. As you add them to the batter, move them to the right. Seriously, it’s the only way I can keep up anymore.

I remember one time when we were out of black pepper. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember to buy it. When finally I did, I went to put it away and found two other boxes. Apparently I had remembered it three trips ago but forgot I remembered.

I’ve learned not to interrupt David in the middle of a story. If I do, he forgets what he was saying and I don’t get to hear the rest of it.

Bless our hearts.

The other night I woke up and thought, “Denzel Washington!” I couldn’t wait to tell David the next morning. His excited reply was, “Huh?”

“Denzel Washington. You know… we were trying to remember who played the guy in the movie.”

His eyes glazed over. “Movie?”

“Yes! Remember the new Equalizer movie we saw on television? That was Denzel Washington.”

He nodded. “Yep. Glad you cleared that up. I was pretty worried about it.”

Apparently things do not bother him as much as they do me.

Of course he’s never experienced Cranberry Pumpkin Bread without the eggs.

I got a call this week. The number that popped up looked familiar. Then I realized it was MY number. I’m surprised I recognized it. When I answered I received a recorded message that Verizon had detected suspicious activity related to my phone. Therefore it would be shut down for a period of time while they investigated. If I wanted to reactivate my phone I should dial pound, something something something.

I did my best to remember the instructions, repeating them over in my head while I scrambled to find a pen. I tried calling David to see if my phone worked. It did not. So I followed the directions and got a recording from Verizon giving more instructions. Quickly I followed them before I forgot. Star something something something.

Holy cow! If a bad guy had indeed hacked my phone, all kinds of chaos could ensue. I couldn’t think of what that would be, but it worried me.

I checked the incoming call number again. Yep… still my number. I put my phone away for a bit wondering what to do. Eventually

I tried calling David again. This time the call went through and we decided to follow up online that evening.
When he did, he was politely informed by a technician at Verizon that it was a scam directly targeting the…

I can’t say it.

It was a scam targeting the… elderly.

Owwwch.

I’ve always prided myself in not falling for ignoramus stuff like that. I am well aware that the Prince of Persia does not desire my presence at his gala. But this time…

I’m so elderly.

In my last article I proudly told you how to remember if you’ve added all the ingredients to the dish you’re making. I shared my great recipe for Cranberry Pumpkin Bread… and left out the pumpkin. I didn’t even catch it until my friend Crystal commented.

“Okay dear. Where’s the pumpkin?”

Who in their right mind would leave the pumpkin out of the pumpkin bread?

Before that I also bragged to my daughter about our new oxtail. Now we can listen to music through our sound bar which when connected to our phone will play anything we want with amazing sound. I can say, “Alexa, play Toby Mac.” Suddenly I’m doing housework at a high rate of speed. I can change things up by saying, “Alexa, play instrumental hymns” and immediately I’m peacefully transported to the magical land of Hobby Lobby.

My daughter laughed and I wondered why. “Mama,” she informed. “It’s not an oxtail. It’s an aux cord; A-U-X like auxiliary.”
Suddenly I am old again.

Downright elderly.

Oh well. I think I shall plug up my oxtail and request something by Elvis. Instantly I will be young and the house shall rock. Hopefully I won’t fall and break a hip.

And if the phone rings and my number pops up, perhaps this time I will have sense enough to let me leave a message.

My daddy is a great story teller. In honor of his eighty-fifth birthday, I’m retelling one of his. I naively asked one day if the ocean ever got rough enough to be scary when he was out to sea.
“Oh yes.” He replied with a laugh.

I figured that on a huge aircraft carrier he might not even notice a storm. The few times I’ve been out on the ocean I quickly realized that the sea is not for me. I recall praying something similar to “Lord, if You will just get me back to land, I will never gripe or complain again.” He answered my prayers even though He knows I’m a liar.

My question prompted daddy to tell us a story we’d never heard. His ship was near the Arctic Circle along with a fleet of US Navy vessels. Together with the British Navy they were doing maneuvers during the Korean conflict. All their planes were in the air when suddenly a thick fog rolled in. It settled in and stayed for a very serious amount of time.

“It was so thick you couldn’t see any of the other ships. We were in real danger because planes were running out of fuel and the pilots couldn’t see to land. The captain came over the ship’s loudspeaker and called ‘ALL HANDS ON DECK!’”

“Once we were assembled, the captain gave an order. It was really more of a request. He asked us to pray. Everybody bowed their heads. Within about ten minutes, the fog cleared and planes came dropping out of the sky. You’ve never seen such a swarm! It didn’t matter if they were Brits or American, they were scrambling just to land on any vessel before that fog rolled back in. There were over a hundred planes in the air above us that day. We didn’t lose a single one.”

It’s good for us to feel helpless at times. It’s important to recognize that we cannot control each situation to our liking. It’s wise to realize that in the grand scope of things, we are actually very small. Like tiny vessels tossed in an enormous angry sea we know in our soul that we need help. How amazing that the One Who created the vast ocean has invited us to call on His Name, and He hears us! With just a Word, the winds obey Him. The waves are still. The fog is lifted and suddenly, through no power of our own, we find ourselves safely home.

The age old request “LORD help!” is a very powerful prayer. Only when we come to the end of our own wisdom and resources, can we fully appreciate Who He is. And He doesn’t even wait for us sailors to clean up our lives before He answers.
How great is our God!

“’LORD help!’ they cried in their trouble and He saved them from their distress. He calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves. What a blessing was that stillness as He bought them safely into harbor! Let them praise the LORD for His great love and for the wonderful things He has done for them.” -Psalm107:28-31

Have you ever been misunderstood? It happens. Our oldest daughter Stephanie is one of the nicest people you’d ever meet. She is a pastor’s wife and lives in the farming village of Ramsey, Illinois. She’s so nice she apologizes when she bumps into mannequins. The other day we were visiting by way of text when I told her about an upcoming book signing party. She asked if she should rent a costume and stand by the road to wave people in. I told her that would be REAL nice. So she texted me back that she’d bring her chicken in a bikini suit. Only her text didn’t come to me. It went to the camp director for their church association.

Thank God there were no pictures.

I’m a nice person too… at least I think so. Writing the way I do, putting things out there for God and everybody to see, makes people laugh. However, not everyone gets my humor. I’ve been accused of being negative, careless, and ungodly.

Yep. It’s true.

I am all of those things.

But laughter is good for what ails us. So when I tell you the following, just know it is for medicinal purposes only.
We’ve been having some issues with… let’s say, our community. The neighborhood is changing. King James would name some of them “lewd fellows of the baser sort.”

I would not disagree.

I don’t like change of any kind and especially not when it involves my safe place. So David took me to the gun range. For the first time in my life I shot a pistol. The man-shaped target received bullet holes in his head and heart, plus at least one in his appendix.

I hope he knew Jesus because if he didn’t it is eternally too late for him.

I have to say I was happily surprised. I expected David to be a good shot and he is. But I never dreamed an old chick like me could do well in this area. The bad guy in the target never stood a chance.

Different subject: You know those “Thank You Jesus” signs in folks’ yards? I LOVE them! It makes me happy to tool around town and see one at every other house. I hope you don’t misunderstand. But since we don’t have one, I thought about sticking our bullet riddled targets in the yard instead.

An ounce of prevention and all…

I know. I’m awful.

Apparently God has a sense of humor though. The current series at our church is “Love thy Neighbor.”
I’ll be glad when we move on to something more practical… like Leviticus or Hosea. Maybe I’ll learn to be less negative… and careless… and ungodly.

Shameless plug:
If you’d like to stop by Attractions on Main, Thursday, September 13th to purchase a book or have one signed, I’ll have my negative-careless-ungodly self perched in a chair ready to meet you. My sweet friend Deborah Neely Bowman is opening her boutique to me that day.

Sorry. Stephanie will not be there in her chicken in a bikini suit. Apparently she had prior obligations… or so she says.

I keep a list in the front of my Bible. The title is “Nutshell Verses.” If you’re not into wisdom, stop reading here. Just kidding. Have you noticed the newest tactic to get you to sign up for emails you don’t want? They’ll pop up a message which has choices like “YES! I want to receive a zillion emails about products I don’t use.” Or “NO! I do not like saving the earth and baby bunnies.”

Annyyywayyy, most of these nutshell portions of Scripture start with words like “Above all else,” or “This is what the Lord requires of you.” In other words, it’s usually a short list that will greatly enhance our lives. One of my favorites says: “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies. Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace and work to maintain it.”

This little secret to enjoying life is so valuable that the Lord included it in both the Old and New Testaments. [Psalm 34:12-16 and 1 Peter 3:10-11]

It even comes with a promise. Both passages add, “For the eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right, and His ears are open to their prayers. But the Lord turns His face against those who do evil.”

Are we wise enough to recognize evil when we see it? I think so… at least some of the time.

The following true story comes with a disclaimer. Please don’t think that I am crazy enough to believe that David and I are holy. How ridiculous would THAT be! We don’t even volunteer for Kid’s Club at church. Everybody knows that’s where the holy people are.

Anyway, years ago we bought a house. It was full, in some rooms from floor to ceiling with almost seventy five years of junk.

I know… probably not our wisest move. But it had a great porch and was right beside our church. Every time we’d make a little headway cleaning out the old place, the former owner would stop by, barge in and want stuff that she had not been able to see before we uncovered it. One day, David told her no. He latched the screen door and would not let her in. [We had closed on the house two months earlier.]

Merciful heavens she was hot! I seriously expected fire to leap from the bowls of hell and consume the man. If she’d had her way, David would be a smoking pile of ashes right now.

Later our sweet pastor’s wife innocently commented. “She might be wicked.”

I tipped my head at the understatement. Then I realized. We weren’t just dealing with a disgruntled person. We were actually in the presence of evil. I hadn’t recognized it. Therefore I had no idea how to deal with it.

Has evil ever knocked on your door? Did you recognize her?* Does she speak words of fear, temptation, anger, or lies?

Latch the door. Turn away. Pursue peace.

She may swear at you, stamp her foot, pound on the door and demand her way. But if you truly desire good days, ignore her little tantrum. Maybe have a bowl of ice cream or call your lawyer to draw up a polite letter.

She has no place in your life. You owe her nothing. In a nutshell, turn from evil. Seek peace. God watches over those who do right. His ears are open to your prayers.