Rhonda Sassano

STOP IT!

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. You cannot cry now… You are on your way to work! So, keep it in the box, girl! You can do this!… Except I cannot do this. I cannot keep the grief inside; it keeps leaking out of my eyes …

It’s a very odd place to be, because it is not a sad situation. I really am very happy for the groom and the bride! I am only sad for me, and it’s a conundrum because I know I should be more happy. Their lives seem to be going very well, even better than I had hoped, and possibly better than the two of them had expected. But I just miss her so much!!!

This past summer, she and I had many (but too few!) opportunities to walk and talk in the early mornings before she went to work.  She had no idea I was intently absorbing every minute, every detail of her face and her body language, the natural way she makes me feel at home. The thing is, I taught her that:  the whole body listening thing!  Out of my three children, she is the one most like me.  Of course she has flaws, but I take responsibility for a certain portion of those because I let her get away with those same things when she was little.  Many times, I’ve threatened to buy her one of those shirts that say “it’s not my mouth that get me into trouble; it’s my face!” And, admittedly, my face would get me into trouble, too, if I was the kid born behind two very responsible children!  

She is unlike me in that she can turn anything into fun.  I am not like that.  I was a rule-follower, a stay-out-of-trouble-even-if-I-have-to-lie-a-little-bit kind of kid.  I am a middle child, and it shows! I didn’t have forgotten-child syndrome until I was an adult.  I loved being helpful, a grown-up pleaser,  and earned a reputation for “being good.” But she can even make following the rules feel like a game!  But I can relate to her fun-seeking personality because I was also a little sister, and I was the one who had all the fun!  Now, my sister is three years older than me, while her sister is barely two years older.  That somehow made it harder for the two of them to get them along than my sister and me.  And, her older sister is somehow more logical than her even older brother!  When her brother was old enough to be the “caregiver,” we would leave him in charge but tell him to listen to his sister, (the middle one, lol, not the little one!)

This fun-loving daughter was frequently the Instigator but almost never a tattletale. I guess she didn’t mind getting into a little trouble if she had had some fun getting there! But now that she’s out of the house, I long for more time with her! The kids love to tease me about a particular instance:  When I was in the hospital with a cardiac event, I called the youngest over at some point and whispered to her “don’t tell anybody, but you’re my favorite!” Of course, she was absolutely delighted, and promptly relayed this information to her siblings!   At this point in my recovery, thankfully, they realized that I had absolutely no filter whatsoever. I guess my brain was literally still recuperating from oxygen deprivation. And all memory of the cardiac event and the seven days afterwards is completely nonexistent.  Honestly, you could tell me anything that I said during that time, and I would not doubt it!  So apparently, the youngest really is my favorite, ha ha! In reality, each of my children hold special places in my heart that makes me declare each one of them “my favorite,” which makes me wonder… Is there any area of my life in which I am my Father‘s favorite?  I am well aware that He loves all of his children, the psalmist declared himself to be “the Apple of His eye” so he must have felt like the Lord‘s favorite!

So in this time of unexplained grief, I would certainly love to have that same sense that the Psalmist did, of being my Father‘s favorite. I am thinking in this moment, how wonderful it would be if He could just write me a letter… Or call me on the phone… Or shoot me a text and let me know how much I mean to Him! And of course, in the next thought, I am scolding myself for thinking such things. Because of course He has already done all of those! He sent a good friend, just yesterday, to be with me for a while. To let me know that I am loved, and valued, and important to her.  Because she declared how important I am to her, and that is what the family of God is for: love and support, to literally hear each other’s burdens. . And, He already has written me a letter… it’s actually 66 books, in the middle of which, is a beautiful love story that describes His relationship with me as deeply intimate and intricate.  And I have actually studied that book in particular in depth, and even created original, sketches and watercolors for many of the scenes in that beautiful love story. 

So why am I flailing now, why is that ugly blob of depression creeping out of the plexiglass box that I keep him in?

It’s because my emotions are pretty big right now, and they have been for many months. My heart is tired of lugging them around and I would love to lay them down and walk away from them!  But that is impossible. They are with me wherever I go, and there is no getting away from them. Just like my own shadow, they are impossible to ignore, impossible not to see. At times, they are longer than others, but they are always there. No matter how “cloudy” the day, I can still see and feel them.

But unlike my shadow, they are not silent.  They clamor for attention, for acknowledgement, for avenues of expression.  Grief, Sadness, Loneliness, and Fear all band together as a gang of formidable proportions and strength.  Disappointment and Anger are in the gang, too…

But God.  

He promises to never leave me, never turn His face from me, never walk away from me in disgust, never abandon me to my own devices.  Even when I’m the one who turns my face and walks away in disgust or disappointment, He never even sighs.  He just waits, hands spread out, still holding my best interest in prominent view.  

It’s true.  It’s all true.  What do I do when I know what’s true but knowing still doesn’t help? When believing doesn’t help either? I don’t do anything.  I choose to trust. I choose to NOT want anything other than what I already have.  I choose to acknowledge, but not empower, my emotions. 

Yep.  Very challenging. Toughest thing I’ve ever done.  Ok, tried to do, with very little success, I might add! But I recognize the truth that, as long as I am wanting what I want, I’m not wanting what He wants.  If I’m living in my own little world of self-pity, I am of no use to Him.  I must push past the selfishness of being emotion-driven and acknowledge the truth of His Word, regardless of my experiences, to become what He has designed and ordained me to become! 

I really am not very good at it at all.  But I’m determined that, when I am tried, I will come forth as gold.  So I keep asking, seeking, knocking; I continue trying, failing, and trying again.  Likely I will meet Him face to face before I’ve attained the goal.  But that’s ok.  His hands will be spread out, arms wide open, with my best interest in prominent view, because I’m His favorite. 

With joy,

Rhonda

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”

By Rhonda Sassano

Hope for an “Old” Future

Why is “I’ll Fly Away” stuck in my head?  It’s an ambulatory surgery, for Pete’s sake… what am I worried about?  Just because I died once already… lol, doesn’t Scripture say that man is appointed once to die?  That must mean I’m living until the Rapture! I say that very tongue-in-cheek, btw. How well I do know that I’m not in control of my life, and certainly not in control of when this life might end.   Many things about tomorrow … I don’t seem to understand … but I know who holds the future…   and I know Who holds my hand.  The hardest thing about the future is that … I’m old in the future. Well, older than I am now. I’m not crazy about the idea.  In my mind, I’m about 32, 33 maybe.  And I fully expect my body to still be 16! The face in the mirror is a stranger to me sometimes… but this week, I’ve been suddenly all caught up.  Recovering is not as easy as in the past.  And, I cannot expect it to be any easier next time.  

“Rhonda,” you say, “I thought this was supposed to be an encouraging piece… you’ve not been very encouraging thus far.”  You are absolutely right!  So I’m encouraging you:  stop aging!  Haha, just kidding.  Aging is part of life, meant to make us turn to the Father for help and hope.  And He never fails to give them both.  

I regarded the surgery as trivial.  But my friends and family took it more seriously and really held me up in prayer, to the point I could feel the prayers surrounding me.  And despite my best efforts to make light of the serious surgery, their deep concern for me has served as a point of hope for me: hope that I will make a full recovery, hope that Father is just as good as He has promised, hope that the future will be good, also… maybe somewhat painful, but still good.   All my life, You have been faithful… All my life, You have been so, so good!  With every breath that I am able, I will sing of the goodness of God!

And life is worth the living, just because He lives…

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”

By Rhonda Sassano

I already feel like this isn’t gonna work this time . . . . Daughter #2.    Daughter #1….the move out….the wedding….the no-keeping grand baby.  the job.  the rent.  the house search.  It’s all of it, Jesus.  The struggle with my website.  so no clients.  no time to paint or create.  very limited time to engage with You.

I just can’t, Father.  I can’t keep going like this.  My heart is too heavy to keep protectting and keep holding together. . .  like it’s made of lead instead of flesh.  

WHERE A R E  YOU???  I called and You didn’t come . . . I”m dragging my heart from valley to cave to hiding place looking for You.  

Trying to be silent until You rescue me.  But i don’t see you  sense you  feel you  find you   . . .    anywhere.

I want to command You.  Command You to come.  to fix.  to heal.   to right.  to halt.   to show.   to explain.  to divulge.   to enlighten.

to hear me

But even more, I want to be LIKE You.  I want to be who You made me to be.  And that is impossible unless I live by the Spirit and not by the flesh.  Impossible while the flesh lives.  DIE, FLESH, DIE.  But i don’t want to.  Flesh is fun.  Feels like my only fun, my only joy.  my only champion.  the only one who understands and sympathizes.  I feel like the constant pain gives me the right to indulge.  to skim over.  To pass by.  LIke, if You aren’t there for me, I have to be there for myself.  take care of myself.  defend myself.  protect myself.  joy myself.   peace myself.  

I am exhausted by all the breaking.

All these little points of disobedience are my way of . . . . . protesting.  rebelling.   S  I  N  N  I  N  G .      and in spite of everything, i don’t know that i’m ready to give it up.  No.  My flesh isn’t ready.  

BUT MY SPIRIT IS . . .           And so I will.    And i do.

J E S U S   YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!

I’ve made it a habit to disobey….created strongholds by own hands…..Trying not to make a list here.  to not make them my focus.  I focus on You. Your goodnes., Your faithfulness. Your mercy.  Your grace.   I bury the promise in WHO YOU ARE.  

Holy Spirit, remind me to keep my focus on You and let the temptation to do it all for myself fade into background.  Ignoring is my superpower…

By Rhonda Sassano

Since I’ve begun a new career recently, I’ve discovered that I have a super power.  Actually, it’s a power I’ve always had, but now I have learned how to use it effectively, and how to use it to my advantage.  

The really cool thing about this super power is this:  YOU HAVE IT TOO!  You may already be using it, even!

Are you intrigued yet?  

As an explanation, let me tell you a bit about my job.  I’m a Registered Behavior Technician (RBT) and I work with children who have a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder.  Basically, my clients are kiddos who engage in maladaptive behaviors in an effort to communicate.  (Please don’t be offended if you love someone with ASD… this is my best attempt at a very brief description of the myriad of symptoms they deal with.) The disorder prevents them from recognizing that their actions have consequences and affect others. My job is to reinforce acceptable behaviors and withhold reinforcement of unacceptable behaviors.  

But wait… isn’t that, uh… 

Parenting 101??? 

Well, yes. Yes it is!  Fortunately, I was pretty good at that part of parenting.  But these clients have a disorder, not just a natural bent to childishness; and they are not my own children, and it’s outside acceptable standards to treat them as I did my own children (with a pain stick!) 

So now I hear your question:  if you can’t punish them, what CAN you do? This is where the super power comes in:  I can IGNORE the maladaptive behaviors.  

Long pause . . . .   . . .      .  .  .  

Uhhhhh…. yeah.  Ignore.  

No, really!  Ignoring the maladaptive behavior really works IF it’s done properly:  zero reaction. Zero flinching.  Zero eye contact.  Zero communication of any kind.  Zero everything because ANY anything, even a minute reaction, can encourage the behavior to continue.  

Once I understood, I tried it out on someone else’s client.  Day One:  A rather tall client, whom I’d never met before, ran up to me and totally invaded my personal space.  She shoved her face close to mine with a grunt and a glare.  I took a step back, saying, “Hi friend!” Satisfied, she ran off.  Day Two:  Same tall client ran up to me, totally invaded my personal space.  She shoved her face close to mine with a grunt and a glare.  I didn’t flinch and looked away.  She stood there a few seconds, frozen with confusion, awaiting my reaction.  When I held my position, she walked away. Day Three:  Tall client continued playing when I arrived, and every day afterwards.  

This is too simple, right?  It isn’t as easy as it looks on paper… The really really good news is this:  ignoring works on other stuff, too.

Here’s my list so far, ‘cause I’ve been experimenting!

Ignoring drivers who cut me off or do something equally irritating. 

Ignoring FB comments that are inflammatory. 

Ignoring the customer in front of me with 24 items in the no-more-than-12 line. 

Ignoring comments or behaviors from co-workers who are trying to get a reaction out of me. 

Ignoring my best friend’s too-much-focus on the phone to really hear me or support me. 

Ignoring my kids’ continued demands for information when I already told them what to do. 

“Ok,” you say, “I get it.  But I can’t ignore everything!”

Right you are.  The super power part is in knowing the difference. 

Try this as a rule of thumb:

If ignoring will improve or eliminate the situation, then ignore.  If ignoring will make it worse (like when my spouse and I have a disagreement and one of us retreats into silence) then ignoring is not an affordable option. 

In terms of Christian living, ignoring is more than a superpower; it’s actually a weapon of destruction for strongholds and addictive behaviors alike. Even my fleshly nature benefits from a good dose of ignoring.  

I spent many years trying to “get over” a couple of powerful but invisible addictions. Every episode of temptation was a HUGE effort to “not go there.”  Then the Holy Spirit brought some teaching into my life about “focus.”  Whatever I aim the camera lens at and “focus” on, that’s what comes into view, clear and magnified.  If I’m mostly focusing on what NOT to do or what to avoid, then that is holding my attention, clearly and strongly.  Instead, I should focus my lens on Jesus, on righteousness, on good things, on truth, on hope (Phil 4:8) When that is my focus, filling my lens with sharp clarity, everything else  fades to the background!  Addictions and temptations disappear from sight!  After a few weeks of really making an effort to make and maintain my focus on the Lord, I was actually surprised when the temptation did rear its ugly head.  But suddenly it was so grotesque to me that I quickly turned my lens back to Jesus, refocusing on the Author and Finisher of my faith, and guess what?  Ignoring worked! That temptation grew distant and faded away into the blurry background!  

Here’s the lesson in a nutshell:

Whatever I feed GROWS.  Whatever I ignore DIES.  It works in childhood discipline.  It works in my garden. It works in my body.  It works in my job, and it works in my real spiritual life.  See?  I told you!  IGNORING IS MY SUPER POWER!  

Still don’t believe me?  Try it for yourself.  And don’t give up after a half-hearted, I really-don’t-think-this-will-work effort. Really try it!  You’ll be surprised, encouraged, and relieved at the results!  

With joy,

Rhonda

P.S.  If you struggle with anxiety, depression, discouragement, or disappointment, please reach out to me.  I’m a certified mental health coach and I would be honored to help you find a path to a better place.  You can email me at Openhartstudio@gmail.com.  I’d love the opportunity to connect with you!

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”

By Rhonda Sassano

I was taking my morning walk, and one of my favorite songs started to play.  I relished the familiarity for a moment and, forgetting I was wearing earbuds, joined the vocalist singing, “How deep the Father’s love for us… how vast beyond all measure…that He would give His only Son…and make a wretch His treasure…How great the pain of searing loss…The Father turns His face away….as wounds which mar the Chosen One…bring many sons to glory.”  The truth of those words really hit home all of a sudden.  Did the Father trade His most precious son for me, for someone who really is a wretch? I truly am a worthless worm, and I deserve absolutely nothing!  How could the Father possibly love me so much? As I was trying to think of an analogy to express my heart, I thought of one of my young clients.  This client has several habits that are not only annoying but downright infuriating, and all of my skills are constantly tested by his behaviors and whole-body eye roll.  Yes, definitely my least-favorite person, I thought.  Then I wondered, is that who I am to the Father?  Annoying and infuriating even?  His least favorite person, perhaps, with all my disobedience and certain-that-i-know-best attitude.  Yes.  The Father choosing me over His Son would be like me giving up my most precious, beloved, treasured, and highly-valued son, Victor!  In essence, “trading him in” for my very least favorite person! I thought my heart would burst at just the thought… 

And I imagined this scene:  I am sitting on a throne, staring Victor in the face and I’m pointing to the exit sign.  And then I turn my head, so I won’t see him walk away; but now I am looking directly into the face of my least favorite person… and Very Least Favorite isn’t even vaguely aware of the sacrifice that just occurred… an extreme, anguish-filled, heart-wreaking sacrifice!  For his benefit; for his promotion; for his eternal blessing and glory!  I cannot even speak these words without emotion swelling, and overtaking me… What a scene in heaven that must’ve been… What do you think the angels must have thought and felt? The only grace is that they already had a full understanding of the Father‘s heart, that it was never to send Jesus away, but it was the only way to grant us access to relationship with Him.  If I had been standing there that day among the Angels, human as I am, I think I might have run up to Father and grabbed his hand, and demanded that he not allow this atrocity to happen! Oh Father!  This sacrifice will never be worth it!  Look again at the one your Son is being sacrificed for… And realize that least favorite person will never return the feelings, the love, the vulnerability, the intimacy, that You have experienced with Your Son.  Least Favorite could never possibly measure up in even one area!  

And I can see and feel the Father placing His hand on my head and then sharing with me that it was Jesus’ desire to be the sacrifice! He actually counted it an honor and privilege, even, to serve the Father, and each one of us, in that way. He gently reminded me that Jesus had already walked through the pain, the betrayal, the frustration, because time doesn’t apply to Him the way it does to me.  And somehow, because of his love for us, He found it bearable… And not only bearable, but Jesus counted it J O Y !  I can see myself, knees melting, trembling hands clinging to the Father‘s feet and begging for an explanation.  Father utters only one word:  “LOVE.”  Those fiery, intense eyes become so kind and tender and gentle that I throw my arms around his neck and smother Him with kisses.  When I pull away to take a breath, Jesus is right there, scars and all, glowing with glory.  “It’s done.  I did it for you, precious Rhonda.  And I cannot wait to be with you forever!”  My heart is thrilled beyond description, literally tingling with His nearness… my breath catches in my throat as Least Favorite glances in my direction.  I’m so sorry, Jesus.  Please, please forgive my, my …. You see my heart, Jesus.  You know it’s been .. not right from the beginning with this client.  But the circumstance wasn’t his fault and even if it was, I still can easily afford to extend a little grace to him.  You’ve given me so much!  Sacrificed your whole life me!  How can I withhold from him patience and a real effort to understand?  I cannot.  I choose to let You soften my heart towards him.  Help me extend just a little bit more of the compassion and mercy You have never withheld from me.  

The screech of a hawk soaring above jerked me back to reality.  My pace quickened to make up lost time, the rush of wind helping dry the dampness on my cheeks. 

What a beautiful gift I had been given… more grace and mercy from my ever-loving, ever Present, ever-encouraging Father and Savior!  I only pray that my impact on Least Favorite will be such that he, too, will recognize, appreciate, and embrace the sacrifice made for him.  

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”

By Rhonda Sassano

I stopped those words from escaping my mouth just in time.  I wanted to use them like a caveman’s club to beat the pulp out of the one speaking to me!  I know that seems harsh and probably unnecessarily so, but oh! How disappointing, no, how devastating to hear your best friend say, “I can’t handle your stress…”   Stunned, I sank back in my chair as silence filled the space and enveloped us both.  My friend didn’t seem to notice the quietness now stilling my mouth and squelching my voice altogether.  My thoughts whirled viciously and pummeled my already-aching spirit with ridicule and sarcasm.  My spirit crawled into a dusty, neglected corner and wept.  

Wow.  I thought I already knew what alone felt like.  I was wrong. I whispered to myself, “this intense loneliness…it’s just feelings.  It will pass.  Who needs friends anyway?  Aren’t I mature enough by now to know that the Lord is really and truly the only one I can trust?  The only one who will never give up on me or leave me without support?  I guess I should be grateful for the reminder…”

My friend started a new conversation and I joined in, determined to not allow any noticeable difference in my tone or demeanor.  Likely she had no idea the impact of her comment. And obviously, she didn’t need the added stress of hurting me… I reminded myself to take time later to truly forgive her and ask the Holy Spirit to speak truth over any lies trying to take root based on her words.   Maybe I’ve been leaning on her too much, I mused.   Going to the Father should be my first reaction, not seeking out my friend who has her own troubles and issues… I repented for pouring out my heart to anyone other than my Father.  And I set my mind to remember, next time, to allow brokenness to push me to Him.  Not to a friend.  Not until I hear His heart about the matter.  Then, I can share from a place of peace rather than burdensome neediness.  

I read an article earlier that talked about a full cup spilling out when it’s bumped or shaken.  Whatever is in the cup is what spills out, whether it’s coffee, tea, anger, love , or peace… 

Psalm 62 instructs me what to do… “I stand silently to listen for the one I love, waiting as long as it takes for the Lord to rescue me. For God alone has become my Savior. He alone is my safe place; his wraparound presence always protects me. For he is my champion defender; there’s no risk of failure with God. So why would I let worry paralyze me, even when troubles multiply around me? Trust only in God every moment! Tell him all your troubles and pour out your heart-longings to him. Believe me when I tell you—he will help you! (‭‭Psalms‬ ‭62‬:‭1‬-‭2‬, ‭8‬ ‭TPT‬‬) 

People aren’t meant to be trusted; even the dearest, closer-than-close friends are not trustable like He is.  They all pale in comparison to His faithful, compassionate love and care!  He is ALWAYS present, ALWAYS available, ALWAYS listening, ALWAYS everything I need.  So what about friends, then?  No man is an island, right? Right!  But when I am needy, friends get stressed trying to meet my needs, because they simply cannot meet them. And that is by the design of a wonderful Heavenly Father who allows me to be in need so I will seek His face and discover Who He really is…

…and He is exactly every thing I will ever need.  

With joy,

Rhonda

P.S.  If you find yourself in need of counseling, coaching, or prayer, please reach me at sunnyshade13@gmail.com.  I am a certified Mental Health Coach and art therapy practitioner.  I’d count it a privilege to hear your heart and offer you hope, healing, and practical help.  

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”

By Rhonda Sassano

So many changes.  I feel like my heart will be sad forever.  Changes at home in who lives there and who doesn’t Changes at work because I’m a newbie and maybe I’m not very skilled at my job yet.  But I’m trying and I want so much to do well and be able to make a difference for the clients!  

This new job has caused changes in so many things.  And I know from experience that a new job means a new schedule and it’ll be tough for about six weeks until things settle down and the new becomes the new “normal.” 

But my aching heart! It’s been six weeks times 3 and I’m still not feelin’ this new normal at all! 

Holy Spirit, what is really going on here? What am I missing?  What do I need to know? I’m generally pretty great with kiddos, but this time… there’s no joy in the relationships. The duty is strong, and loyalty has developed.  My patience has grown and I’ve learned new ways of teaching.  I’ve discovered a whole genre of methodology that is surprisingly effective, and yet, unfulfilling.  Ugh.  I’m at the point that I’m wondering if I should bother to continue. I have enough grief in other areas of my life, I don’t need it compounded by grief at work, too.  

What am I looking for?  What am I expecting? 

Fulfillment.  Appreciation.  Affirmation. Satisfaction. The anticipated by-products of a job well-done. And all of them are strangely missing. Yes. This line of work is definitely not a “good fit” for me after all.  But it’s my only option right now, Lord, so I need to find a way to keep going. And keep depression inside the box. 

This situation is a clear indicator to me that You have a different plan.  And You’ve made me aware of that plan.  I want to embrace it with all my efforts, my heart, my mind and my time!  

However.  

This is one of the few times in my life that my obedience to You is dependent on someone else’s obedience to You.  There’s a whole seemingly interminable list of things that “need” to happen before I can step out of this boat. And so, I wait.  My life on hold. Stretched taut between points of discomfort, pain, and agony. I don’t want to think about ANY of them.  I want You to speak a word and transform them into points of joy and hope and celebration! 

Enough.  Enough questions and wondering.  I don’t want them to bring wandering. 

Understanding is an unnecessary component for trusting. And I choose to trust You.  I know You are good.  You are faithful.  You are kind and merciful.  I know Who You are.  I know Whose i am.  I set my focus on You.  I purpose my heart to worship You, regardless. Yours is the only calling I need to fulfill.  Yours is the only purpose in which I find motivation.  

Take courage, my heart.  Be steadfast, my soul!  He’s in the waiting! 

And I will yet praise Him!

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”

By Rhonda Sassano

A Heart that Hides

Holy Spirit,  I am still feeling vulnerable.  And I’m protecting my heart from further pain.  It’s ridiculous, I know!  I’m such an absurdity!  I pull away and then wanna be close and then I get close and then something happens that I don’t like and instead of leaning in, I pull away!  WHAT DO I WANT FROM YOU??? How can I sense the closeness and much-longed-for intimacy when I’m constantly in and out and up and down and here and there and yon… I want to be able to push the emotions aside and just live from a place of … peace.  Deep inner peace that nothing shakes. Even as I write this, I’m aware that I do have that peace.  It’s just covered over with a few (ok, several) layers of mixed feelings.  Grief.  Sadness. Loss. Lack of hope. Too little joy.  And yet, I know where to find the antidote for each one of those things! Some days, I just cannot convince myself to reach out. To look for You. To seek Your face… I  let the paper tigers of  disappointment, frustration, and the possibility of rejection to come between me and You, to stand in place of the Veil, to keep me separated from Your Presence…it’s all too convenient to just not go there.  

I know what it is:  it’s the letter I received from a sweet young friend, offering help and a perspective that isn’t fully informed.  And now I need to have a conversation with this friend.  The potential for disaster is 

H U G E…  and my heart is closed up so tightly, all the inner recesses packed with excuses (and lies) in hopes of cushioning the blows that await me.  This never works for long.  But still.  There’s no convincing my heart to relax, to come out of hiding, to remain ready to receive, to just to see what happens.  Huh uh. . . the potential for pain is too great.  

It’s one or the other, though.  Either Mr heart is open to everyone, including You, or closed off and protected from everyone.  Including You. 

Selah.  

So I wait, with my heart deep under cover.  Will my friend realize? I’m usually so open and free, surely the difference will be noticeable! Even without intent, I must admit the spirit is felt rather than seen.  How many times have I just sensed when someone is hurting, even though their words and expressions belie the inner turmoil? That’s my spirit touching the other person’s spirit.  It’s wonderful and scary at the same time… I really want others to encounter the spirit of Jesus when they encounter me!  

Jesus, help me!  In your Name, I command my spirit to be open, to come out of hiding, to throw off the layers of lies and excuses, to enter a state of vulnerability!  I’d rather risk the wounds myself than be the one wounding her!  

I don’t feel any different.  But I choose to believe that Your Name has power over my heart and mind and spirit.  I command my emotions to be quiet.  I acknowledge you, but you are not my dictator.   Yes.  Peace is slowly stealing across my spirit, seeping in to all the crevices and secret spots, soothing the fears.  I trust You, Holy Spirit, for the right words at the right time.  This is a deep relationship, highly treasured and highly valued by us both.  By You, too. Our relationship will weather this storm and be stronger when it’s over.  

C’mon, heart.  You may not be able to trust me, or her, but He is trustworthy.  And if wounds occur, they will heal by His hand.   Heart, you are safe.  Not from pain, but from 

Brokenness is never wasted by a good, Good Father. 

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”

By Rhonda Sassano

Secret Place

I died nearly 8 years ago.  I was at home when I had a major cardiac event, and I literally dropped dead. My family was home, and did their best to revive me, but with no success, they called the EMTs who shocked me back no less than five times. When I was finally stable enough to be transported to the hospital, of course, I went straight to the ICU. After many tests and procedures, no one seem to know what had happened exactly, or even why if it happened. And in the weeks and months that followed, I underwent more tests to determine what had gone wrong and how it could be prevented in the future. But at the six month mark, the doctors determined that I was completely healthy, completely normal, and took me off all eight medications I had been placed on.  Now, nearly 8 years later, I never even think about it; I just expect to be healthy, normal, and functioning properly.

Thursday, this past week, I had an appointment for a pre-op consultation. I need to undergo a simple procedure that many women my age endure. The doctor performing the consultation asked me about the cardiac event from eight years ago. I related to him the basics, and that I hadn’t had any trouble since and that I was on no medication. He did a brief EKG, drew some blood, and expressed concern with the upcoming surgery.  He insisted I visit the  original cardiologist for clearance before proceeding with surgery. When I seem nonplussed and unconvinced, he pulled up some documents on his computer and highlighted a few sentences there. He invited me over to the screen and read them out loud to me. The sentences stated that a couple key issues were present and were the cause of the heart attack. Also, the bloodwork revealed that another issue is currently present and could also present challenges for the surgery and beyond. 

As you can imagine, I was shocked, and devastated is not too strong a word, and very annoyed that the original cardiologist had not relayed this information to my husband and myself. And on my way home, I found myself an emotional mess. I found myself struggling to continue to believe that I had been 100% healed. I heard myself say out loud: “I do not believe the report of the doctor. I believe the word of the Lord. I have been healthy, normal with a perfectly functioning heart for the last eight years… Why should now be any different?” And then I realized that water retention is another symptom of a heart that isn’t pumping correctly…. Oooh.  “Okay Father, you have my attention.”  But for the rest of the day and the next, I felt… vulnerable.  Let down.  Doubt and belief literally warred in my thoughts and spirit.  And yes.  Depression was there, too, to put in his two cents. That neglected blob (who was well-contained a couple articles ago) was back with a vengeance.  Like a demented wizard, he swirled his fingers through my emotions, churning them up and daring me to let the dam break.  

At some point, I said aloud, “I’m not giving in.  I’m not going back there.  I will honor the Lord even with my response to this news, and even while I am completely alone.  He is worthy of my trust, regardless of the report, regardless of the prognosis. The least I can do is give Him glory for His past healing and claim it again for my future.”  You’d think the waves would’ve calmed down then, right?  Sorry, no.  My words do have power, but not like His!  So I began to quote Ps 91 “He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High, shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.”  I stopped to muse about it. How do I dwell in the secret place?  Where IS the secret place? How do I find it and how do I stay there?  And is it a secret place or a secret place? As the emotions swelled with longing, tears coursed down my cheeks.  “Father,” I whispered, “that is all I want. I want your secret place to be mine, too.  You invite me to it, right here, but I don’t know how to get there.”  And I thought about the disciples questioning Jesus with where He was going and why they couldn’t follow Him there… Jesus’ gentle reply soothed my heart, “You know the way.”  I took a deep breath.  The challenge had been presented… “Father, you want me to ask you what you want to say to me. But I don’t want to, because I’m afraid of the answer.  And that makes no sense because you are always good, You’ve never made a mistake with me, so why I am so hesitant? But I want to know your heart. So I ask you, Father, what do you want to say to me?” 

“My precious Rhonda, my darling daughter!  I love you SO crazy much!  You are worth the life of my very own only Son.. what else would I not give you for the asking?  I know this is tough.  Really tough! But you can DO it, you can handle it or I wouldn’t have put it on you.  But don’t take on the burden of provision. That is MY job.  You just do the next thing and be faithful to ask and obey.  That’s all!  I won’t let you fall. I won’t forsake you.  I won’t torture you by hiding.  I’m HERE.  Always present, closer than close.  Your  very breath! And your sacrifice of worship thrills me and blesses me and I literally dance with joy over you when you come in your sorrow and doubts and misgivings…. I don’t judge you for them.  I see them; I know them.  I’m so very proud of you for acknowledging them and believing me anyway.”  Sobbing with relief, I cried, “I believe, Father, help my unbelief.”

An alarm on my phone sounded loudly and with a rush, reality took over:  time to clock in to work! I dried my face and breezed by the parents and clients in the lobby, hoping for zero interactions.  “Thank you, Lord,” I breathed as the hallway door closed behind me. 10 minutes later, child in hand, another alarm went off, this time a reminder to be grateful, to be content with now.  I focused my heart and tried to repeat the words with depth and meaning.  Feeling nothing, I silenced the alarm.  All day, every hour, similar alarms reminded me to “be grateful, be content with now.” I wondered if my diligence would result in any fruit at all.  I slept fitfully that night. 

Saturday morning dawned. I awoke praying in the Spirit.  Gratefulness swept through my soul.  “I guess I’m going to be ok!” I looked around for Blob (the depression.  See my article “A long time coming”)  Still in his plexiglass box, he was now small and wimpy, very un-threatening! “Thank you that Your Word is true, even if it takes some patience…” 

So life goes on.  According to the doctor, my heart isn’t working at 100%.  I acknowledge the facts.  But the truth is different than the facts. According to the Word, my heart beats at the command of my Father!  And every day that I’m alive and have energy to do the things in front of me is a day that I’ve experienced healing!  I had a measure of faith eight years ago, for an instant, miraculous healing.  Now I need a bigger faith to believe for healing every day, to hear the doctor’s report and let it impact my actions toward a healthier lifestyle without allowing  it to decrease my faith in His ability and willingness to provide health and even healing.  And yes, I still sense the tension between belief and unbelief.  It’s a tightrope walk, for sure! But the tightrope is in the secret place.  And that’s all I want. 

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”

By Rhonda Sassano

“When I turned to see who was speaking to me, I saw seven gold lampstands. And standing in the middle of the lampstands was someone like the Son of Man. He was wearing a long robe with a gold sash across his chest. His head and his hair were white like wool, as white as snow. And his eyes were like flames of fire. His feet were like polished bronze refined in a furnace, and his voice thundered like mighty ocean waves. He held seven stars in his right hand, and a sharp two-edged sword came from his mouth. And his face was like the sun in all its brilliance. When I saw him, I fell at his feet as if I were dead. But he laid his right hand on me and said, “Don’t be afraid! I am the First and the Last. I am the living one. I died, but look—I am alive forever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and the grave.”

This is no allegory, peeps.  This is J E S U S, the King of all Kings, the Lord above all Lords!  The Great I Am is He, Maker and Creator of all things, and He holds it all together by His Word! This is One who wants to be close to me, an insignificant, broken, scraggly  worm.  But His love covers me; His presence fills me; His breath “lives” me!  How can I possibly withhold my heart from Him, or scorn His extended hand that wants only to embrace and heal and comfort? 

Holy Spirit, we are so moved by you. We hardly even know what to say, or how to pray! I know that my heart longs for you. I long to know you in a deeper way than I have before. I long to be more aware of your constant presence, not just every day, but every single moment , you are here… You are with me… You hold my hand. And you are holding it right now. You said to come to you, Jesus and you would give me rest whenI  choose your yoke. So right now I lay down the yoke that I am carrying, the worry about finances, The concern over difficult relationships, the need for better health, The very deep need for comfort in time of grief and uncertainty. I lay down the fire of my own dreams and desires.  I want what you want, and the pieces of my heart that are too selfish to want Your will over my own, Father, I declare that I want those wayward pieces to want Your way, too. 

So I lay my heart on the altar right now I hand it over to you; it’s not even a sacrifice because I know that I can trust you. I know that you are for me and never against me. I know that your heart, no matter what I am facing, no matter what circumstances surround me, no matter the challenges that I have been through or are yet to come, Your heart is to draw me into you, to bring me closer.  All the issues are opportunities for you to prove your love and your faithfulness to me an opportunity to give you glory in the way I hang onto you through every storm and every desert and every crushing.  you’re the only thing that matters.  I want you more than anything.  you have my heart. I give over my mind to you and my body as well. Holy spirit, have your way in every nuance of my being. I command my heart to hear the word of God today, I command my spirit to receive it with joy and faith, so that all the mountains can be moved and I can embrace your ways to my full capacity.  I pray, and I know You hear me and will answer my prayer. In Jesus name.

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”