By Rhonda Sassano

Note to Self

I just need to write some things down. If you don’t want to know any brutal honest truth about me other than what you already know,  don’t feel compelled to keep reading.  

A friend from my childhood came to visit me, and I loved her being here, but it raised some doubts about myself and who I am.  Maybe “doubts” isn’t the right word, but I realized a few things about myself simply because she came.

One of the things I realized is that I have based my life on two priorities.  First priority is to please other people.  (Yes, you read that correctly.  I truly wish it said “to please the Lord.) The second priority is my personal, internal peace.  These two priorities kinda feed off each other, in that, I need the people who are important to me to be happy with me in order for me to be at peace. Nothing earth-shaking there, right?  But this is both frustrating and disappointing to me, because I have been working really hard at not needing affirmation from anyone other than my heavenly Father. And this is no wimpy “oh, I’ll get over it” need, either.  It’s real and very deep and extremely powerful.  It literally is the driving force behind much of what I say, what I do, how I decide, and how I act, even.  And this discovery has been nothing less than wrecking, emotionally.  (If you’ve already known this about me, haha, just let me know!) 

Here’s the crux:  I feel unable to be any different, because I’ve spent 50+ years living out these two priorities.  The most challenging part is that one seems to equal the other:  I have peace when all the important people in my life are happy with me. So I make people happy by pleasing them, in order for myself to be at peace. Thus, all of my people-pleasing is really a selfish act on my part, performed to keep peace in my own heart. It all seems so selfish and self-serving and frustrating to think about a lifetime of continuing on this path I don’t know how to change.  

My only course is to plead for help from the Holy Spirit to live by these verses from Colossians 1 (my paraphrase)

“I will walk in the ways of true righteousness, pleasing God in every good thing I do. Then i will continue to be a fruit-bearing branch, yielding to His life, and maturing in the rich experience of knowing God in His fullness! And I will be energized with all His (noy my own) explosive power from the realm of His magnificent glory, filling me with great hope. My heart soars with joyful gratitude when i think of how God made me worthy to receive the glorious inheritance freely given to me by living in the light. He has rescued me completely from the tyrannical rule of darkness and has translated me into the kingdom realm of His beloved Son. For in the Son all my sins are canceled and I have the release of redemption through His very blood. He is the divine portrait, the true likeness of the invisible God, and the firstborn heir of all creation. For in Him was created the universe of things, both in the heavenly realm and on the earth, all that is seen and all that is unseen. Every seat of power, realm of government, principality, and authority—it all exists through Him and for His purpose! He existed before anything was made, and now everything finds completion in Him, including me.”

That’s a long way of saying that this life is about Him, not me.  It’s about pleasing Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith, not about pleasing my family or anyone else.  Many times, what I’m doing at any given moment is both pleasing Him AND pleasing a person.  It’s more about what is motivating my “desire to please” than my actual actions.  And no, I’m not good at remembering to focus on pleasing Him rather than her/him.  But with the help of the Holy Spirit and these verses, I’m going to improve. There are definitely plenty of opportunities to practice!  And daily, I have plenty of chances to practice keeping my peace when someone I love is unhappy with me.  

The Father is patient with me, so I guess I can be, too.  I cannot please everyone all the time.  But I can make it my life’s mission to please the One who matters most.  

With joy,

Rhonda

P.S.  If you struggle with anxiety, disappointment, despair, or depression, please reach out to me.  I am a certified mental health coach who also struggles with those things, and I would be delighted to share my healing and help you find yours! 

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”