By Rhonda Sassano
Since I’ve begun a new career recently, I’ve discovered that I have a super power. Actually, it’s a power I’ve always had, but now I have learned how to use it effectively, and how to use it to my advantage.
The really cool thing about this super power is this: YOU HAVE IT TOO! You may already be using it, even!
Are you intrigued yet?
As an explanation, let me tell you a bit about my job. I’m a Registered Behavior Technician (RBT) and I work with children who have a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. Basically, my clients are kiddos who engage in maladaptive behaviors in an effort to communicate. (Please don’t be offended if you love someone with ASD… this is my best attempt at a very brief description of the myriad of symptoms they deal with.) The disorder prevents them from recognizing that their actions have consequences and affect others. My job is to reinforce acceptable behaviors and withhold reinforcement of unacceptable behaviors.
But wait… isn’t that, uh…
Parenting 101???
Well, yes. Yes it is! Fortunately, I was pretty good at that part of parenting. But these clients have a disorder, not just a natural bent to childishness; and they are not my own children, and it’s outside acceptable standards to treat them as I did my own children (with a pain stick!)
So now I hear your question: if you can’t punish them, what CAN you do? This is where the super power comes in: I can IGNORE the maladaptive behaviors.
Long pause . . . . . . . . . .
Uhhhhh…. yeah. Ignore.
No, really! Ignoring the maladaptive behavior really works IF it’s done properly: zero reaction. Zero flinching. Zero eye contact. Zero communication of any kind. Zero everything because ANY anything, even a minute reaction, can encourage the behavior to continue.
Once I understood, I tried it out on someone else’s client. Day One: A rather tall client, whom I’d never met before, ran up to me and totally invaded my personal space. She shoved her face close to mine with a grunt and a glare. I took a step back, saying, “Hi friend!” Satisfied, she ran off. Day Two: Same tall client ran up to me, totally invaded my personal space. She shoved her face close to mine with a grunt and a glare. I didn’t flinch and looked away. She stood there a few seconds, frozen with confusion, awaiting my reaction. When I held my position, she walked away. Day Three: Tall client continued playing when I arrived, and every day afterwards.
This is too simple, right? It isn’t as easy as it looks on paper… The really really good news is this: ignoring works on other stuff, too.
Here’s my list so far, ‘cause I’ve been experimenting!
Ignoring drivers who cut me off or do something equally irritating.
Ignoring FB comments that are inflammatory.
Ignoring the customer in front of me with 24 items in the no-more-than-12 line.
Ignoring comments or behaviors from co-workers who are trying to get a reaction out of me.
Ignoring my best friend’s too-much-focus on the phone to really hear me or support me.
Ignoring my kids’ continued demands for information when I already told them what to do.
“Ok,” you say, “I get it. But I can’t ignore everything!”
Right you are. The super power part is in knowing the difference.
Try this as a rule of thumb:
If ignoring will improve or eliminate the situation, then ignore. If ignoring will make it worse (like when my spouse and I have a disagreement and one of us retreats into silence) then ignoring is not an affordable option.
In terms of Christian living, ignoring is more than a superpower; it’s actually a weapon of destruction for strongholds and addictive behaviors alike. Even my fleshly nature benefits from a good dose of ignoring.
I spent many years trying to “get over” a couple of powerful but invisible addictions. Every episode of temptation was a HUGE effort to “not go there.” Then the Holy Spirit brought some teaching into my life about “focus.” Whatever I aim the camera lens at and “focus” on, that’s what comes into view, clear and magnified. If I’m mostly focusing on what NOT to do or what to avoid, then that is holding my attention, clearly and strongly. Instead, I should focus my lens on Jesus, on righteousness, on good things, on truth, on hope (Phil 4:8) When that is my focus, filling my lens with sharp clarity, everything else fades to the background! Addictions and temptations disappear from sight! After a few weeks of really making an effort to make and maintain my focus on the Lord, I was actually surprised when the temptation did rear its ugly head. But suddenly it was so grotesque to me that I quickly turned my lens back to Jesus, refocusing on the Author and Finisher of my faith, and guess what? Ignoring worked! That temptation grew distant and faded away into the blurry background!
Here’s the lesson in a nutshell:
Whatever I feed GROWS. Whatever I ignore DIES. It works in childhood discipline. It works in my garden. It works in my body. It works in my job, and it works in my real spiritual life. See? I told you! IGNORING IS MY SUPER POWER!
Still don’t believe me? Try it for yourself. And don’t give up after a half-hearted, I really-don’t-think-this-will-work effort. Really try it! You’ll be surprised, encouraged, and relieved at the results!
With joy,
Rhonda
P.S. If you struggle with anxiety, depression, discouragement, or disappointment, please reach out to me. I’m a certified mental health coach and I would be honored to help you find a path to a better place. You can email me at Openhartstudio@gmail.com. I’d love the opportunity to connect with you!
“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”
