By Rhonda Sassano

So many changes.  I feel like my heart will be sad forever.  Changes at home in who lives there and who doesn’t Changes at work because I’m a newbie and maybe I’m not very skilled at my job yet.  But I’m trying and I want so much to do well and be able to make a difference for the clients!  

This new job has caused changes in so many things.  And I know from experience that a new job means a new schedule and it’ll be tough for about six weeks until things settle down and the new becomes the new “normal.” 

But my aching heart! It’s been six weeks times 3 and I’m still not feelin’ this new normal at all! 

Holy Spirit, what is really going on here? What am I missing?  What do I need to know? I’m generally pretty great with kiddos, but this time… there’s no joy in the relationships. The duty is strong, and loyalty has developed.  My patience has grown and I’ve learned new ways of teaching.  I’ve discovered a whole genre of methodology that is surprisingly effective, and yet, unfulfilling.  Ugh.  I’m at the point that I’m wondering if I should bother to continue. I have enough grief in other areas of my life, I don’t need it compounded by grief at work, too.  

What am I looking for?  What am I expecting? 

Fulfillment.  Appreciation.  Affirmation. Satisfaction. The anticipated by-products of a job well-done. And all of them are strangely missing. Yes. This line of work is definitely not a “good fit” for me after all.  But it’s my only option right now, Lord, so I need to find a way to keep going. And keep depression inside the box. 

This situation is a clear indicator to me that You have a different plan.  And You’ve made me aware of that plan.  I want to embrace it with all my efforts, my heart, my mind and my time!  

However.  

This is one of the few times in my life that my obedience to You is dependent on someone else’s obedience to You.  There’s a whole seemingly interminable list of things that “need” to happen before I can step out of this boat. And so, I wait.  My life on hold. Stretched taut between points of discomfort, pain, and agony. I don’t want to think about ANY of them.  I want You to speak a word and transform them into points of joy and hope and celebration! 

Enough.  Enough questions and wondering.  I don’t want them to bring wandering. 

Understanding is an unnecessary component for trusting. And I choose to trust You.  I know You are good.  You are faithful.  You are kind and merciful.  I know Who You are.  I know Whose i am.  I set my focus on You.  I purpose my heart to worship You, regardless. Yours is the only calling I need to fulfill.  Yours is the only purpose in which I find motivation.  

Take courage, my heart.  Be steadfast, my soul!  He’s in the waiting! 

And I will yet praise Him!

“God is not looking for those who can but those who will.”