By Ashlie Miller
“Do you ever feel lonely?” “Are you wiped out after connecting with people each week?” “Do you have to wear a mask? Do you get to be your authentic self?” “What do you do for the church?” These are some of the questions I’ve received in my role as a pastor/church-planter’s wife. I had many of the same questions (that I never asked) growing up in church and serving in different churches over time.
Many know about Pastor Appreciation Month in October, and often that extends to his whole family. But I never really knew about a National Pastor’s Spouse Appreciation Day (it just so happens to be this first Sunday of September) or the whole month with them in mind (in March) until the last couple of years.
These wives are pretty special, and I’m humbled and honored to serve in this way as well. I cannot speak for all of them. Just as each pastor is unique, so are their wives. There’s not one personality or qualification that is cookie-cutter. Here are some ways we may differ and other things we have in common:
She may have dreamed all her life of being a wife to one in ministry.
She may have never imagined that she could or would be the wife of one in ministry.
If her husband takes the pastorate of an established congregation, she may be welcome to serve in a way she feels called. Or she may be serving a congregation that presumes that she is a second, unpaid employee who will also fulfill various roles, such as leading a group or ministry or playing the organ. My husband has said he never married a pastor’s wife. That was not and is not my identity. He also never has had a specific expectation of my role in serving the church, which frees me to serve in the only way that is unique to me alone – to provide solace for our family. That benefits our entire church community.
She may be extroverted and thrive on social interactions, and be able to talk to anyone, but is working on the sanctification process of not being a people-pleaser. She may be introverted and able to go deep in spiritual and emotional discussions, but is working through her own sanctification process of being comfortable around large groups or initiating small talk.
She is often at her best when she is discerning, able to listen to others and give counsel, flexible in her schedule due to demands of ministry, but also able to be a gatekeeper appropriately when needed, and embracing of hospitality.
She is human.
She has her own struggles, obstacles, temptations, needs, and process of sanctification. She may feel lonely at times as she sees the distance brought by others who view her as more than something she is. She may trust in God but struggle to trust her cares and concerns to others. Her circle of acquaintances may be broad, but of friends, small. You likely think more of her than she deserves. You likely think less of her than she deserves. And I’ve been guilty of both.
The pastor’s wife you are thinking about may be many of these things or very different. The one common thing – these sisters all need prayers and encouragement from loving members of the congregation. And that you can do any day or month of the year.
Ashlie Miller is wife to Pastor Chad Miller of Mission Bible Church in the University City area. You may email her at mrs.ashliemiller@gmail.com.
