By Rhonda Sassano

I already feel like this isn’t gonna work this time . . . . Daughter #2.    Daughter #1….the move out….the wedding….the no-keeping grand baby.  the job.  the rent.  the house search.  It’s all of it, Jesus.  The struggle with my website.  so no clients.  no time to paint or create.  very limited time to engage with You.

I just can’t, Father.  I can’t keep going like this.  My heart is too heavy to keep protectting and keep holding together. . .  like it’s made of lead instead of flesh.  

WHERE A R E  YOU???  I called and You didn’t come . . . I”m dragging my heart from valley to cave to hiding place looking for You.  

Trying to be silent until You rescue me.  But i don’t see you  sense you  feel you  find you   . . .    anywhere.

I want to command You.  Command You to come.  to fix.  to heal.   to right.  to halt.   to show.   to explain.  to divulge.   to enlighten.

to hear me

But even more, I want to be LIKE You.  I want to be who You made me to be.  And that is impossible unless I live by the Spirit and not by the flesh.  Impossible while the flesh lives.  DIE, FLESH, DIE.  But i don’t want to.  Flesh is fun.  Feels like my only fun, my only joy.  my only champion.  the only one who understands and sympathizes.  I feel like the constant pain gives me the right to indulge.  to skim over.  To pass by.  LIke, if You aren’t there for me, I have to be there for myself.  take care of myself.  defend myself.  protect myself.  joy myself.   peace myself.  

I am exhausted by all the breaking.

All these little points of disobedience are my way of . . . . . protesting.  rebelling.   S  I  N  N  I  N  G .      and in spite of everything, i don’t know that i’m ready to give it up.  No.  My flesh isn’t ready.  

BUT MY SPIRIT IS . . .           And so I will.    And i do.

J E S U S   YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!

I’ve made it a habit to disobey….created strongholds by own hands…..Trying not to make a list here.  to not make them my focus.  I focus on You. Your goodnes., Your faithfulness. Your mercy.  Your grace.   I bury the promise in WHO YOU ARE.  

Holy Spirit, remind me to keep my focus on You and let the temptation to do it all for myself fade into background.  Ignoring is my superpower…