Lynna Clark

By Lynna Clark

My mom-in-law used a handful of catchy phrases that she deemed appropriate for certain situations. For example: If someone thought they were “all that” and dropped the ball at church or a family function, she would remind us that “One monkey don’t stop the show.” If something hurtful happened she was quick to remind us that “What doesn’t kill us will make us stronger.” When plans changed unexpectedly we knew we could count on her to say, “When God closes a door, He opens a window.”

I think my favorite, and her wisest saying was that “Things won’t always be this way.” In 2020 after the year most folks have had, I believe we can all shout a loud “Halleluiah” to that!

I hear talk about our new normal.

Nope.

I refuse to let this become my new normal. I look forward to handing out all the hugs I want; to smiling without hiding it behind a mask; to watching television without all the fearful warnings and even better, without the political ads filled with lies and character assaults.

I think we’re better than this.

I think this year has been a wakeup call to remind us of how good it is to work hard, send our children to school to professionals who know stuff; to shop for groceries without looking at each other suspiciously; and best of all to worship without fear. Let’s return to THAT normal!

After all, what hasn’t killed us has surely made us stronger!

PS:

While the proverbs of my beautiful southern mom-in-law are very wise, she would agree that Scripture is wiser still. May the Lord strengthen us to rest in His promises.

“The Lord is good, a Stronghold in the day of trouble. And He knows the ones who trust in Him!” – Nahum 1:7

Amen!

By Lynna Clark

A few years back, David decided to sell his motorcycle. It just seemed like time. I knew he was sad about it. Except for it, the man’s never had a toy so to speak. Poor guy hardly had Pepsi money for years. Though it was a wise decision, it didn’t feel good.

We decided together that a different “toy” might be a good solution. So he picked out a nice camera in order to take up a different hobby. One of our daughters bought him a book to go with it; Nikon D3400 for Dummies. He was not offended. In fact, one look at the camera told him he needed help.

Quickly he was able to set up his new toy for easy shots. But he knew there was so much more to the camera than that. So he hunkered down for several days in his spare time to study the book. When I asked how it was going he sighed. “I guess I should have gotten the Nikon book for Morons.”

Of course the word moron is pronounced “MO-ron” here in the south. I couldn’t help but laugh.

Like a lot of folks, the older we get the more we realize how little we know. Like why in the world would our bank change the way our online statement and bill-pay looks. Don’t they understand that if it is not broken, they don’t need to fix it? I just now got used to how things work. Then my phone updated and installed a different calculator. I know it sounds small, but I like a running total. I do not want to have to hit equal after every entry. Dang stupid update. Then I got my laptop repaired and that guy installed a different document program. Now spellcheck is gone. Word look up is not there. No dictionary or thesarasus is built in. I probably didn’t even spell thesarasus right. I had no idea how much I used those things until I couldn’t.

Aggravation!

I really don’t mind learning things unless it’s forced on me. Maybe that’s why trials are so hard. It feels a bit like being hoisted onto a 3000 pound bull and being told, “All you have to do is stay on.”

Okay…

So my prayer for today is from Psalm 90:12 and 17:
“So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts to wisdom.” And while You’re at it Lord, please “make our efforts successful.”

That’s probably enough to ask for one day… especially when dealing with a couple MOrons.

By Lynna Clark

David opened the can and put it on the seat between us. His reward for going grocery shopping was a tiny splurge on cashews. We headed home when suddenly a little dog ran out into the road. David hit the brakes and screeched to a stop. Someone’s pet was spared that day, but the cashews slid forward and dumped head first, scattering across the floorboard. He looked at me and said, “Next time the dog dies.”

It’s like dropping toast. It will always land butter side down. I heard that if one were to strap buttered bread to the back of a cat they would spin indefinitely because cats always land on their feet. Could this perhaps be a source of alternative energy?
Why not? Who would’ve thought we’d use left-over French fry oil for fuel? Maybe someone should try buttered cats.
My apologies to animal lovers everywhere. I’ve just confessed that my husband loves cashews more than dogs and I would butter a cat to propel an engine if it would save me a buck.

Sorry.

Have you noticed when watching a movie like Quigley Down Under [which is one of my favorites] that the disclaimer at the end says “No animals were harmed in the making of this movie.” Never mind the poor guy being dragged behind the horse… or the Aborigines being pushed off the cliff. Just so you know the horse is okay.
I may sound mean and uncaring about animals, but I’ve been known to set a dish of milk out for a stray kitty meowing at my back door.

I wonder if she’d like a piece of buttered toast to go with that.

By Lynna Clark

The sturdy yellow wagon appeared in my neighbor’s yard. It makes me happy, for I know what’s coming.
Currently beautiful leaves are raining down on stiff autumn winds. Acorns pelt the metal awning so hard it sounds like gunshots. That’s not quite as lovely as the wildly spinning copper colored “tulip” in the flower garden. Too bad that can’t be used to harvest power. Maybe then I’d get a more positive report card from the power company. Not that I’m bitter… but I don’t like being told every month that we are inefficient. Look people. Our house is 87 years old. When you get to that age you’re going to have a few leaks too. How about you guys stop sending grumpy notes each month and see how much paper and postage you can save.

Like I said… I am not bitter.

Anyway, back to the yellow wagon. I know from years of happy observation that when it appears, abounding blinkage is soon to follow. Probably sometime after Thanksgiving a village of snowmen, a reindeer powered sleigh, Santa, and huge snowflakes will surround a manger scene celebrating the birth of our Savior. The lights will come on about 5:30pm each evening to enhance the beautiful venue. One year we even had a little dusting of snow to complete the look.

Oh how I LOVE it!

Another peek through the fall foliage between our house and theirs reveals the wagon is full now and about to be moved to the front of the house.

Apparently tis the season to be jolly.

Okay… so forget what I said about about the power company.
For without them, there would be no abounding blinkage.

Right?!

By Lynna Clark

David opened the can and put it on the seat between us. His reward for going grocery shopping was a tiny splurge on cashews. We headed home when suddenly a little dog ran out into the road. David hit the brakes and screeched to a stop. Someone’s pet was spared that day, but the cashews slid forward and dumped head first, scattering across the floorboard. He looked at me and said, “Next time the dog dies.”

It’s like dropping toast. It will always land butter side down. I heard that if one were to strap buttered bread to the back of a cat they would spin indefinitely because cats always land on their feet. Could this perhaps be a source of alternative energy?
Why not? Who would’ve thought we’d use left-over French fry oil for fuel? Maybe someone should try buttered cats.
My apologies to animal lovers everywhere. I’ve just confessed that my husband loves cashews more than dogs and I would butter a cat to propel an engine if it would save me a buck.

Sorry.

Have you noticed when watching a movie like Quigley Down Under [which is one of my favorites] that the disclaimer at the end says “No animals were harmed in the making of this movie.” Never mind the poor guy being dragged behind the horse… or the Aborigines being pushed off the cliff. Just so you know the horse is okay.

I may sound mean and uncaring about animals, but I’ve been known to set a dish of milk out for a stray kitty meowing at my back door.

I wonder if she’d like a piece of buttered toast to go with that.

By Lynna Clark

My friend Ann called with an idea. She knows how much I hurt. Apparently she is trying cherry yogurt and it is really helping with her aches and pains. I thought on it while she extolled the virtues. While she explained I went over the list of no-no’s. Through the years, like fifty plus, I’ve tried all the cures. Apple cider vinegar and honey made into a tasty drink three times a day. That one has come and gone throughout the years. In fact, one of our daughters, who’s identity shall not be revealed,  came out rather hairy. I couldn’t help but wonder…

I’ve tried extreme doses of pycnogenol, the extract of grape seeds. No deal. Long before gluten free became a thing, we tried that. Of course sugar was eliminated long enough to make me grumpy, but still in pain. We removed night-shades from our diet. That includes tomatoes, peppers, white potatoes, and eggplant. Okay, so the eggplant removal didn’t cause a lot of anguish. But tomatoes? I love lasagna, spaghetti, and meatloaf… with a side of mashed potatoes. So David, the cook in the house, bless his heart, tried to substitute beets for tomatoes. He made a thick hearty sauce with lots and lots of herbs out of canned beets. Not pickled. That would just be weird. It was pretty good… except our noodles turned pink. Instead of potatoes, he boiled radishes and tried to make them similar to new potatoes. With lots and lots of butter. And guess what. They tasted just like warm radishes. But we kept at it for months. I declare the man has tried everything. And I just keep on hurting. Heavy sigh.

You’re probably right. It’s obviously all the sin in my life. And a great deficiency of faith. Don’t laugh. It’s been suggested… and considered many, many times. Insert whiny voice here. So when my bestie suggested cherry yogurt, my ears perked up. This I could do. I’d have to make sure it doesn’t contain red dye, or artificial sweetener of any kind, and hope it included yogurt made from the milk of happy cows. Will I eat it or slather it on my body?

Then the word Y caught my ear. As-in YMCA. Apparently the woman is trying chair yoga. Dang.

All this time I thought we’d landed on the cure. Not something involving stretching… in a chair, like exercise. The closest thing to that I can get is when I do a fast waddle on the way to the bathroom. Of course that happens often enough to count as a workout. Not to mention the lowering of the posterior onto the… chair. AND unlike chair yoga, this is a 24/7 activity so there’s that. And all this time I thought the cure was out of my reach! Now I know that I just need to keep doing what I’m doing.

And maybe get my hearing checked.

By Lynna Clark

David opened the can and put it on the seat between us. His reward for going grocery shopping was a tiny splurge on cashews. We headed home when suddenly a little dog ran out into the road. David hit the brakes and screeched to a stop. Someone’s pet was spared that day, but the cashews slid forward and dumped head first, scattering across the floorboard. He looked at me and said, “Next time the dog dies.”

It’s like dropping toast. It will always land butter side down. I heard that if one were to strap buttered bread to the back of a cat they would spin indefinitely because cats always land on their feet. Could this perhaps be a source of alternative energy?
Why not? Who would’ve thought we’d use left-over French fry oil for fuel? Maybe someone should try buttered cats.
My apologies to animal lovers everywhere. I’ve just confessed that my husband loves cashews more than dogs and I would butter a cat to propel an engine if it would save me a buck.

Sorry.

Have you noticed when watching a movie like Quigley Down Under [which is one of my favorites] that the disclaimer at the end says “No animals were harmed in the making of this movie.” Never mind the poor guy being dragged behind the horse… or the Aborigines being pushed off the cliff. Just so you know the horse is okay.
I may sound mean and uncaring about animals, but I’ve been known to set a dish of milk out for a stray kitty meowing at my back door.

I wonder if she’d like a piece of buttered toast to go with that.

By Lynna Clark

The sturdy yellow wagon appeared in my neighbor’s yard. It makes me happy, for I know what’s coming.
Currently beautiful leaves are raining down on stiff autumn winds. Acorns pelt the metal awning so hard it sounds like gunshots. That’s not quite as lovely as the wildly spinning copper colored “tulip” in the flower garden. Too bad that can’t be used to harvest power. Maybe then I’d get a more positive report card from the power company. Not that I’m bitter… but I don’t like being told every month that we are inefficient. Look people. Our house is 87 years old. When you get to that age you’re going to have a few leaks too. How about you guys stop sending grumpy notes each month and see how much paper and postage you can save.

Like I said… I am not bitter.

Anyway, back to the yellow wagon. I know from years of happy observation that when it appears, abounding blinkage is soon to follow. Probably sometime after Thanksgiving a village of snowmen, a reindeer powered sleigh, Santa, and huge snowflakes will surround a manger scene celebrating the birth of our Savior. The lights will come on about 5:30pm each evening to enhance the beautiful venue. One year we even had a little dusting of snow to complete the look.

Oh how I LOVE it!

Another peek through the fall foliage between our house and theirs reveals the wagon is full now and about to be moved to the front of the house.

Apparently tis the season to be jolly.
Okay… so forget what I said about about the power company.
For without them, there would be no abounding blinkage.

Right?!

By Lynna Clark

Have you noticed the current trend in menswear? Grown men in tapered pants. And tennis shoes. Kinda gives off a Micky Mouse vibe. When we were in high school the guys wore bell bottoms. Who would purposely wear pants that wouldn’t move unless you took a few steps to let the material catch up? So I guess every generation has its crazy. But men in skinny britches? Even sportscasters in expensive suits have fallen prey. As long as they’re sitting behind a desk, all is well. But let them stand to converse or point out a play on the big screen… just no. And now the problem is compounded by the addition of tennis shoes. With a suit. So wrong. I already had issues with them wearing light brown dress shoes with dark suits. But tennis shoes? In white? Not good.

One guy shook things up. As a guest commentator on Fantasy Football, he appeared wearing a rock band t-shirt layered with a loose unbuttoned over-blouse situation. His jeans were tattered and his arms were heavily tattooed. I have no idea what was on his feet as I never got that far. His long hair was pulled back in an updo and his scraggly beard would’ve made the men on Duck Dynasty proud.

“Look honey. He wore his church clothes,” I commented. Together David and I haw-hawed like the two old guys on the Muppets in the balcony.

Maybe it’s a good thing. Perhaps it’s best that nobody cares about that stuff anymore. Truthfully I am the last person on earth who should throw stones. Thank the Lord you can’t see me right now. Besides, that verse in 1st Samuel 16:7 is still there. “Man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” Probably when He looks for mine, all He can find is sawdust. I can see Him now slowly shaking His head. “Nothing here but an old Muppet in a housedress. Bless her heart.” Then comes the grace. “But at least she found something to laugh about. Those pegged leg suit pants with tennis shoes really ARE funny.”

Thank God when He looks at me He has a sense of humor too.

Obviously.

By Lynna Clark

I’ve never been one to decorate for Christmas early. In fact, for many years Christmas reminded me of the year my mom died during that holiday. Our family barely functioned as we went through the season like zombies. However just lately, I thought about getting a new tree while there’s still plenty of time. Then someone posted on Facebook that anyone thinking about Christmas this early should just stop that crazy because “Joseph don’t even know Mary’s pregnant yet.”
Made me laugh.

Then my thoughts went to Mary. Bless her sweet heart. Apparently she was highly favored and yet even she asked, “How can this be?” I love that Scripture includes that.

Another favorite woman of mine in the Bible is Rahab. Bless her not so innocent heart. Her name is always tagged with “the harlot.” As if somebody missed that about her. Shesh. Not that I would presume to correct Scripture, but holy cow. Could we not at least include, “the woman formerly known as…”? Again, bless her heart. I guess it wouldn’t matter. She’ll always be THAT woman…

Except that the Lord fixed it.

Have you heard the story of Ruth and Naomi? It’s about a faithful gentile widow Ruth, who was so devoted to her husband’s Jewish mother, Naomi, that she followed her into a foreign land so that she could take care of her. Naomi herself admitted to being less than easy to live with. She called herself “bitter.” Soooo… not a peach. Anyway, God provided for Ruth and her bitter old mother-in-law by sending a faithful man to marry Ruth. Here’s where it gets fun.

Guess who Ruth’s new mother-in-law was? Yep. Good ol’ worldly, pagan, been around the block Rahab. Oy vey. I bet that made for some interesting Sunday lunches.

Personally I find myself between faithful, godly, innocent Mary the mother of Jesus and Rahab been-around-the-block-harlot. Not near as good as Mary, but not all that bad either. Therefore I think it’s wise to remember. If God can use the best of the best, and the worst of the worst, can He not use me, Lynna the Whinybutt? Even in my weakness He sees me as the one He created to serve a purpose. For His glory I was made for good things. How amazing is His grace. I would love to sit with Mary and hear the story of how things worked out in her life. But I really think Rahab had some stories to tell! Maybe that’s why she’s listed as “the harlot.” Perhaps God wanted to let us identify with a less than model citizen.

As for us regular Joes and Janes, “We are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.” -Ephesians 2:10

Sidenote: For more about how Rahab saved her family, read Joshua chapter 2. To see her place in the lineage of the Messiah, see Matthew 1:5.

Now let’s go order a Christmas tree before it is eternally too late.